I have no idea who this is, but I think these photos are breathtaking. Detroit breaks my heart.

"O God of unchangeable power and eternal light: Look favorably on your whole Church, that wonderful and sacred mystery; by the effectual working of your providence, carry out in tranquility the plan of salvation; let the whole world see and know that things which are cast down are being raised up, and things which had grown old are being made new, and that all things are being brought to their perfection by him through whom all things were made, your Son Jesus Christ our Lord; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen."

Lately I've been having the same conversation over and over: the difficulty of living life with a mindset beyond ourselves. It's interesting though to discuss it with friends that are followers of Jesus, Muslims, and Agnostics alike. It's just so hard, for everyone, to remember that there is (or might be, for those still processing belief) anything beyond what we see, taste, and touch. When you're busy, you're focused on your busyness. When you're not, you're focused on yourself. (Maybe I'm speaking more for myself, but have grace for me while I make generalizations.) It seems too, that once we're reminded that there is, or might be, something more than our own worlds we wonder how we got by living so small before. Sadly, it seems to be a cycle, and we're always rediscovering what a life beyond our physical senses really looks like.

For this reason, I continue to appreciate the season of advent. It's precious to me to have an entire month of reflecting, in expectation, on the hope of the world. Advent reminds me that there's more than daily tasks and obligations, even more than my relationships with people and nonsensical emotions. It reminds me that all of this is real and matters, but only in light of the importance and reality of the grand story being told. Luckily, the meta-narrative is one of nothing but hope for the world. And for my own soul, which is beautiful to remember.

Last night Brooke and I were decorating our apartment for Christmas and listening to Christmas music. I was being somewhat pretentious and ranting about how I can't appreciate didactic art, sadly including a large chunk of Christian music. When it becomes informative, it loses its authenticity for me. Either way, that's not the point...The point is that during this conversation one of my favorite Christmas songs from last year came on. It's a silly pop song about fir trees and presents, and not meant to be worship at all, I don't think, except that the people making it love Jesus. But one of the lines is "He landed on the earth all wrapped in skin, and they're the only ones to find him". To me, this communicates the gift of God as human, and the importance of his birth in such a beautiful way. God actually came to earth, as a baby! And this baby happened to be the one that Yahweh would give the majesty of his name. It's incredible, and hope-filled, and reminds me to live beyond myself.

Isaiah 11

¹ A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse;
from his roots a Branch will bear fruit.

² The Spirit of the LORD will rest on him—
the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding,
the Spirit of counsel and of might,
the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the LORD—

³ and he will delight in the fear of the LORD.
He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes,
or decide by what he hears with his ears;

⁴ but with righteousness he will judge the needy,
with justice he will give decisions for the poor of the earth.
He will strike the earth with the rod of his mouth;
with the breath of his lips he will slay the wicked.

⁵ Righteousness will be his belt
and faithfulness the sash around his waist.

⁶ The wolf will live with the lamb,
the leopard will lie down with the goat,
the calf and the lion and the yearling ^a]">[a] together;
and a little child will lead them.

⁷ The cow will feed with the bear,
their young will lie down together,
and the lion will eat straw like the ox.

⁸ Infants will play near the hole of the cobra;
young children will put their hands into the viper's nest.

⁹ They will neither harm nor destroy
on all my holy mountain,
for the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the LORD
as the waters cover the sea.

¹⁰ In that day the Root of Jesse will stand as a banner for the peoples; the nations will rally to him, and his resting place will be glorious.

I'm a really thankful girl, and feel in light of thanksgiving I should share. Most days I think if I deserve anything based on my character or actions, it's a slap in the face. Yet somehow I'm consistently provided for, and forgiven, and loved beyond reason.

Of course I'm thankful for nighttime bike rides, and tube lights, and getting caught in the rain, and new music, and chocolate, and colorful earrings, and puzzles. But even more so, I'm thankful for the people in my life. How wonderful to not only have a family that supports me and cares for me and loves me across the ocean, but to also have a family here. Notably, I remember two years ago and continue to be thankful for Joe's life, and also remember 21 years ago when I prayed for a sister and am so thankful for Sola. I really could go on and on.

I've been feeling especially thankful lately that I am always learning and growing. I'm thankful that I'm given the opportunity to be challenged, to risk, to fail, to change. Also I think of Orwell's words that "People with empty bellies never despair of the universe, nor even think about the universe, for that matter" and am grateful to be provided for so well physically that I can spend time learning about and processing issues of the world. Or even process the issues of my heart and my dreams.

So, thankfulness abounds! I wish I could go on, but I'm off to bake pies.

So, is there anything better than surfy, lo-fi music paired with a dance scene from a 1960s film? Brilliant.

I love this movie poster. And this movie. And sometimes I feel very much like Charlotte. Where is Bill Murray when you need him?

And remember how great this song is in the movie? Well, this is a demo actually...but still amazing.

I'm joining in the fun.

Here's the idea:

1. Write down sensory memories from childhood/life. smell, touch, sight, hearing, taste 2. Think about sayings you heard often/ lyrics from songs, like... "don't let the bed bugs bite" "safely in his bosom gather" 3. Think about things you smelled, food, mom's perfume, or the feeling of a family blanket 4. Write the senses down, don't explain them, but be detailed. Don't just say, "I am from dad saying " I love you more than the stars" say instead "I am from "I love you more than the stars." 5. Put "I am from" before your memories. List some together.

I am from...

I am from tummy rubs and sweetheart of Sigma Chi

I am from bear country and scotch soaked ice cubes

I am from Grant Boulevard, bases loaded, and who can be the quietest

I am from Allie-booly and blue floral dresses

I am from tractors in the snow and thriller on tape

I am from nowIlaymes and goodnight light and the red balloon

I am from superman ice cream, indian vests, and shrimp coming out of my ears

I am from a single with cheese and the first avenue pool

I am from well water, swingsets, and corn on the cob

I am from deer hunts and when the lights go down in the city

I am from root beer floats and shuffle ball changes

I am from dance magic dance and pigs in a blanket

I am from Michigan rummy, cherry bombs, and everyone makes mistakes

I am from homemade dress up and breakfast for dinner

I am from little hugs and emory adams

I am from pedal to the metal, cover girl, and Chrissy MacGyver

I am from TGIF and TCBY

I am from spearmint gum and soap foam beards

I am from air guitar, knives, and three little fishies in an itty bitty pool

I'm reading Profit Over People by Noam Chomsky right now. He's so controversial, right? I really don't have a strong opinion about him either way. I had a friend in college that really loved him, and even dressed up like him on Halloween once. But I don't feel that way. I do however think learning as much about neo-liberalism as possible is an excellent idea at such a time like this. I don't believe humans are going to find the solutions to the problems of the world, but shouldn't we, in the name of love, help prevent suffering as much as possible?

So, anyways, I'm reading Profit Over People and both love it and hate it. I love that I'm learning so much and have an insight into politics and social change from a perspective not held by many. But I hate that it exposes the misdeeds and greed of people I want to be able to trust. Remember when you didn't know anything about politics, when you were say 8 years old? I remember it well. Because I cried when George H.W. Bush left the White House. He had been President my whole life and I was sad it was no more. I was so ignorant and innocent, and loved him deeply for no reason but that he was my President and I thought it was really special. Oh, and I loved Barbara and her amazing white hair too. Seriously, ignorance is bliss sometimes.

I have no real life application or anything, only noting that learning is wonderful, but sometimes I just want to pretend I don't know anything at all.

Slowly the evening changes into the clothes

held for it by a row of ancient trees;

you look: and two worlds grow separate from you,

one ascending to heaven, another, that falls;

and leave you, belonging not wholly to either one,

not quite as dark as the house that remains silent,

not quite as certainly sworn to eternity

as that which becomes star each night and rises--

and leave you (unsayably to disentangle) your life

with all its immensity and fear and great ripening,

so that, all but bounded, all but understood,

it is by turns stone in you and star.

-"Evening" by Rainer Maria Rilke.

I have found amazing new music in some of the most brilliant pairings.

For the new Twilight soundtrack Bon Iver and St. Vincent teamed up for a little something.Seriously, this is a dream come true. And the music they make together is beautiful. Perhapsthis will spark some sort of future collaboration? May it be so.

Bon Iver & St. Vincent - Roslyn

And then Grizzly Bear joined the London Symphony Orchestra (or did the LSO join Grizzly Bear?) for a Halloween performance. The individuals that sacrificed possible expulsion from the show and awkward confrontations with security guards in order to post something on youtube, you have my gratitude today.

As people, by nature, we're strange. And thus our interactions and relationships with other people are equally as strange . And even more, our experiences with other people that we don't know are even stranger. Granted, sometimes our days go by relatively free of weird interactions, but those tend to be the days that we spend the majority of our time alone. Right?

Luckily, I really enjoy taking note of awkward moments. Today's being the presence of overly sexual music in a cafe.

Have you ever experienced trying to read while listening to "sexual healing"? I have. It's difficult, because the song is just so catchy. It's almost painful not to sing along or dance, but you can't because you're in a cafe...surrounded by people you don't know, though who most likely are also singing Marvin Gaye in their own heads and definitely tapping their feet. And then you think of the words to the song going through everyone's heads in the cafe ("I'm hot just like an oven...") and try terribly hard not to make eye contact with the older man across the table. The tension in the room is hilarious.

I suppose, following closely behind in awkwardness is the absence of music in a cafe. It's hard to win.

I'm reminded of how fleeting life is. Especially after hearing about a dear friend's friend, a wife and mother, who died this weekend. And as I watch from across the ocean as a dear friend to our family is intensely battling terminal cancer. Sometimes it's too much. The morbid reality that we'll all die, sometime, somehow. That everyone we love and every person we interact with will also die.

I initially have the tendency to want to withdraw when I think about it, to give people less. I think it's mostly out of self-preservation, really. But then I also have the thought of wanting to give my life away more if it's so fleeting. To offer people more of myself, to love more deeply. The confrontation with death makes me scared to not live or love enough.

Several years ago after experiencing the deaths of friends, I became incredibly frustrated at the state of my life; that I couldn't manage to be alive enough. I couldn't experience things as fully as I wanted to, or enjoy something deeply enough, or purely love someone, or feel free from expectations from myself and others. I had the feeling of being trapped. I felt that death wasn't natural, and that a full life was somehow possible but I for some reason was incapable of having it. It's beautiful, though incredibly painful, that death causes us to consider the reality of our own lives. Are we really alive...fully?

There's of course a lot more I feel I could say. And as I continue to be confronted with death, I still have the experience of aching to fully live. But I have hope now. I have hope that the god i put my faith into has offered full life to me, that it's available. Now I just hope that in every interaction with someone, in every minute of my day I continue to choose life.

¹⁶ And I command you today: Love God, your God. Walk in his ways. Keep his commandments, regulations, and rules so that you will live, really live, live exuberantly, blessed by God, your God, in the land you are about to enter and possess.

^17-18 But I warn you: If you have a change of heart, refuse to listen obediently, and willfully go off to serve and worship other gods, you will most certainly die. You won't last long in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess.

^19-20 I call Heaven and Earth to witness against you today: I place before you Life and Death, Blessing and Curse. Choose life so that you and your children will live. And love God, your God, listening obediently to him, firmly embracing him. Oh yes, he is life itself, a long life settled on the soil that God, your God, promised to give your ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

Sufjan Stevens is both an indie music god, and the man of my dreams (well, probably not but he does seem equally talented, nice, and a bit strange...which I like). He'd supposedly dropped music for writing recently, which has proved to be a big joke considering he's been doing a small tour and has an album coming out next Tuesday. Anyways, I forgot how great he is until I spotted Avalanche at the library today on the shelf of CDs to be put away and remembered! Here's a taste.

Everything is lost--uh oh!

Still I know that you can take it to the Lord

(All that he has given to the world)

I visited the IND of the Netherlands today. After leaving the office I made use of my train transfer at Schiphol to drink starbucks, enjoy the brilliance of airports and just be for a little bit. The appointment was easy enough really. And my last minute passport photo at Centraal met the strict requirements, luckily. At the end of the meeting the sweet woman helping me explained the new sticker in my passport, and finished by pointing out that the year of its validity begins TODAY. Meaning in one year from 13 October, I better be leaving. It's strange to have such a temporary mindset. Or, rather a temporary life and the prayer that my mindset is much different.

It's interesting to think in terms of having one year in Amsterdam. And having absolutely no idea what's in store, or hardly the ability to process what I want to be in store. I feel this year and the past are precious years, and vital in forming who I'm to become. This past year has changed my heart and mind (though I suppose change is not correct, but challenged and pressed and grew) in less tangible ways than new habits or hobbies. But I feel it's been incredibly more valuable than those things we see and touch and typically measure how we're changing and developing as people.

I've grown in awareness of myself in a way that has allowed me to see and confront issues of my heart and soul more deeply than before. Which has been both painful and good.

I've also expanded my perception of friendship to include people so unlike myself and found a fullness and joy that I hadn't experienced before. This has proven to not only be the less comfortable choice, but also the one that challenges our own motives of love and friendship; making me at times come to terms with how self-seeking I can be. Again, both painful and good.

I've also discussed Jesus with people that really don't care. The spectrum is great. Some people don't care because they're apathetic (which is sometimes appealing, really) and others feel they've grown past any need for a savior or faith for a God. But I've discovered that somehow Jesus has something for all of us no matter our philosophical or theological views on life and society. I've been reminded that he redeems people in order to redeem the world, and truly loves us regardless of how sure we are of his existence.

At times I feel like my life has unfolded during my year (and will probably say years next year at this time) in Amsterdam. Growth is scary in a way. But I do have hope that in whatever ways growth creates mess, however painful it is, it is very very good.

And, anyways, I hope for more this next year.

Do you ever have days (or, lifetimes) where everything seems utterly hopeless? I do. Not right at this moment, but the other day was one of those. I mean, has there ever been an initiative or revolution or policy that's truly bettered the position of mankind? Okay, I take that back. Considering as writing it I thought of several (notably non-violent movements like the US civil rights, the Indian independence movement, etc). But not nearly enough as you'd hope for!

It's a lot to think about (or worry about) and have hope for (and also the compassion). In our own small worlds alone we're surrounded by people who have tremendous need for love and healing. And then if you consider our neighborhoods, churches, cities, and the world. I, and I imagine most of you, don't want to be someone that knows about violence in inner cities all over the world, but separates myself from it to pretend it isn't there. Or who hears about war and starvation and decides to read the news less to avoid any sort of responsibility. But sometimes it just feels like too much.

We're contaminating our earth and our bodies, we are incapable of moving past violent wars in order to solve conflict, the gap between the wealthy and poor continues to grow, women continue to earn less than men and have less rights globally, people groups are constantly becoming the source of marginalization (if it's not for color it's because of religion, or ethnicity, or social economic standing). And even more, somehow it all connects. It's all cyclical. Which makes any sort of light extremely dim.

In all honesty, how do people have faith that it can get better? Especially when I can barely think past myself on most days. There could have been a lot of answers to our mess, but Jesus was such a good one. God was brilliant again and sent a Savior to redeem it all. If it wasn't for that victory, I don't think I could find strength to hope for anything more than the reality of today. How could I? The mess inside me alone needs a whole lot of redemption.

I realized several years ago that I'm terrified to create. Anything, really. It can be art, or writing, or music, or schoolwork, or new initiatives. I feel sick just thinking about being the main creative element in anything. I'm okay with having ideas and smartly passing them onto someone else, but having to bear the responsibility of the expression and responses of others is something I'd rather do without.

I felt sad at this discovery (as I love both art and academia), but accepted that perhaps I'm not cut out for it. Years later though, and after being convinced ceaselessly that we were all created to be creators, I have hope that I can have a place in it all. I feel convinced that it's not the Lord's choosing for me to be unable to create while others have all the fun, but instead my aversion to the vulnerability required to do so.

Creating is truly vulnerable. You put something out there, which often requires much of your heart and deep expression of you as a person, and it somehow affects the world and people around you. Even more, in whichever way you express yourself, the moment it's created it's no longer just yours, and everyone else can have their input. Yes, I have fear of criticism and rejection, which I like to assume most other humans do as well, but even positive recognition is a bit terrifying. I think positive interest is more appealing than negative (obviously, perhaps), but I'd prefer no one to take an interest at all. There's safety in being just another person in a crowd. Which very likely is one reason I can never get a haircut that's too over the top. Or even the thought of a guy sending me flowers is enough to make me sick.

So, aversion to vulnerability. I have an idea where this stems from, but feel that 24 years of never taking risks to move out of it has only made it that much more difficult. But regardless, I feel hopeful. I think for the first time, overcoming what's seemed just part of my person actually appears possible. I feel promise that the Lord desires me to be vulnerable and to create and to express and to recreate along with him. Even that he wants me to love and receive love along with him as well. It's not so terrifying when you realize it's not a matter of empty attempts on your own, but that you have the creator of the universe on your side. I feel like the ability to be vulnerable will bring my soul to life even more, which thankfully is our Lord's expertise.

It's a messy life. And somehow never gets completely tidy...but it's wonderful to know Jesus makes good of it all.

I went to the States and...

was very patriotic

had an ice cream fest

danced with Meghan

hung out with Drew and Sola (and their cardboard cutouts)

ate big American breakfasts

watched people shoot guns and drink margaritas

went on an impromptu canoe ride

bowled

went to Michigan

had bonfires

went tubing

did lots of sudoku

had lots of fun with Brent

he did lots of sudoku too

saw Blake play with Old Hundred (this isn't the show, but it is moments after he was shirtless)

saw Germon's beard

slept over at Meredith's

went to bodega

ate a lot

went to California to see Mandy

That's nearly all.

Sometimes hidden from me
in daily custom and in trust,
so that I live by you unaware
as by the beating of my heart.

Suddenly you flare in my sight,
a wild rose blooming at the edge
of thicket, grace and light
where yesterday was only shade,

and once again I am blessed, choosing
again what I chose before.

-Wendell Berry

I'm about 90% sure this was written for his wife, but I feel it speaks volumes about Jesus, or at least my life with him. Some days I spend the whole time existing in my own little world, forgetting that I've given my life to something much bigger. Meaning I'm completely detached from what this means in all of my interactions with the things and people around me. My thinking becomes rational, my actions become selfish, any hope for something greater, or something more, is compromised. But how lucky that the Lord doesn't let me swim, or drown, myself in this world! It's never long before something happens or I have an experience I couldn't have manipulated myself and I'm reminded of the worldview I bank my life on.

It's been two months since I've last written. How has it been two months? And it's August 19th, nearly the end of summer. I say it a lot, and surely sound redundant, but how has time gone so fast? It's also been one year since Brooke and I arrived to Amsterdam. We went out for a celebratory dinner, stroll through Vondelpark, and glass of white wine last night and tried to reflect on our lives and how we've changed this year. It's almost impossible to do so though. It's too close still, I think. Everything still feels fresh, a whole year later. Perhaps it's good to be settled in a city (relatively of course, since everything will change within weeks) and not feel like who I am is settled. I'd probably be bored, or boring for that matter.

I managed to write 20,000+ words between going to Iceland and spending two weeks in England this summer. I'm not sure how it happened, but miraculously I had produced pages upon pages of theoretical and empirical research. It was exhausting, really. But! In a desperate attempt to obtain respondents, Brooke and I visited a local mosque that is the talk of Europe (at least in circles that discuss things like integration and religion). The mosque is young and still discussing their positions on topics like mixing men and women, so we not only got to hear a teaching but also sit in on a conversation between the women about how they should relate to the men and the community. Fascinating, really. But more importantly, we were welcomed with typical Moroccan hospitality by the sweetest Moroccan-Dutch girls. "The sisters" as they are now referred to. Being able to be a bridge between the Muslim and the Christian communities was a dream, but it's really a gift to have such dear friendships come from it. Since our meeting at the mosque we've spent several days together talking about being women and being believers in God, and some of the sweetest conversations I've ever had about faith. Funny that an act of desperation can produce such a gift.

I want to talk about Jesus now but have a date with Leanne. I'll keep that for the next post...

My brother gets married in 2 weeks. I can't believe it! It's hard to remember he's making a huge commitment, completely beginning a new life and not just having a big party in Iceland. I've been overly emotional about it. I'm incredibly excited, his wife-to-be is absolutely wonderful and sweet and kind, and I've always wanted a sister. I spent my childhood hoping for a sister. Literally my whole childhood was spent with my two brothers and family friends who mostly only had sons (besides a few exceptions). So, having another girl around will be a delight! So, I'm not sad. My emotions have been more related to how overwhelmingly thankful I am, I think. 

I feel so thankful for Drew. Luckily, I don't think he knows about my blog, so I can talk about him without him being super embarrassed. He's honestly one of the most kind, friendly, brilliant, witty, talented people I know. He's someone that you want to be around. He makes you feel like you matter. It's fun to have grown up with him. To remember him at his worst and at his best. To have spent some of my most fun times with him, laughing literally for hours and being complete idiots, and to have spent the absolute hardest times with him, crying together for hours.

Drew's so talented and yet so humble about it. There's not much he's done that he hasn't been incredibly successful in...but you don't always know that...and I'm not sure he even recognizes it. And he's extremely genuine and caring, nearly always considering people's thoughts and feelings before his own. 

I'm thankful too for the way his life has been protected. There were many times that something awful could have happened, but somehow a friend was there at the right time, or he had a girlfriend that wasn't afraid to give him a shot, or a police officer recognized him from being in a band, or he was just miraculously okay...and it's just such evidence how precious his life is to the Lord. 

So, I'm thankful. That I get to do life with him. That I get to be his sister. That I get to be there as he enters into a new life with Sola. It's exciting!

A lost seafarer, alive, has returned home.

Sæglópur, á lífi 
Kominn heim 
Sæglópur, á lífi 
Kominn heim 
þaõ kemur kafari 
Komin heim 
þaõ kemur kafari 
Komin heim 

A lost seafarer, alive 
Has returned home 
A lost seafarer, alive 
Has returned home 
A diver comes 
Has returned home 
A diver comes 
Has returned home

And just for fun, Glosoli! Soon, I will be one of those kids laying in the moss and running around on the cliffs...and praying to be able to fly too.

It's memorial day! I'm not celebrating...perhaps I should refuse to go to class today though as it's a national holiday and I'm American. Kind of like when Catholic kids got out of school in high school for Ash Wednesday...

Memorial day has always been a mile marker. It's the beginning of summer! I've been refusing to admit it's summer even though it's warm and sunny and everyone's finishing up classes. On memorial day the pools open up, and we put our dock in the lake, and in college we were retreating in Virginia right before finals week. It's scary to start saying it's summer. How in the world has it been 9 months? Why does time go faster and faster as you get older? 

When I think back to past memorial days they were all so significant. They were always somehow a turning point. The Lord started doing something new in my life and likewise something new in my soul. It was usually painful, but powerful nonetheless. Growing through death, accidents, marriages, friends moving, new jobs, graduating. Though I can't seem to even acknowledge it's here, I'm still praying for something new in me! 

Similarly, it's always strange to me when I find my heart's prayers in scripture. I'm reminded of the unity of life in the church, of our similar paths as people wanting to live life with and for our God. I go through phases, praying different pieces of scripture (as I assume most people do) but lately it's been Psalm 51. And the message version is just great. 

Psalm 51

 ^1-3Generous in love—God, give grace! Huge in mercy—wipe out my bad record. 
   Scrub away my guilt, 
      soak out my sins in your laundry. 
   I know how bad I've been; 
      my sins are staring me down. 

 ^4-6 You're the One I've violated, and you've seen 
      it all, seen the full extent of my evil. 
   You have all the facts before you; 
      whatever you decide about me is fair. 
   I've been out of step with you for a long time, 
      in the wrong since before I was born. 
   What you're after is truth from the inside out. 
      Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life. 

 ^7-15 Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean, 
      scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life. 
   Tune me in to foot-tapping songs, 
      set these once-broken bones to dancing. 
   Don't look too close for blemishes, 
      give me a clean bill of health. 
   God, make a fresh start in me, 
      shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. 
   Don't throw me out with the trash, 
      or fail to breathe holiness in me. 
   Bring me back from gray exile, 
      put a fresh wind in my sails! 
   Give me a job teaching rebels your ways 
      so the lost can find their way home. 
   Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God, 
      and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways. 
   Unbutton my lips, dear God; 
      I'll let loose with your praise. 

 ^16-17 Going through the motions doesn't please you, 
      a flawless performance is nothing to you. 
   I learned God-worship 
      when my pride was shattered. 
   Heart-shattered lives ready for love 
      don't for a moment escape God's notice. 

 ^18-19 Make Zion the place you delight in, 
      repair Jerusalem's broken-down walls. 
   Then you'll get real worship from us, 
      acts of worship small and large, 
   Including all the bulls 
      they can heave onto your altar!

I discovered a used English bookstore just down the canal from the library a few weeks ago. I started going in before or after my excursions to the library, not really looking for anything, but just enjoying the possibility of finding something really good, and in english, for under 10 euros. But right before my trip to Stockholm I went in with a mission to find something to read while away, since I promised myself I wouldn't even think about social research for 3 days. I had some things in mind, mostly recommendations from people that read way more than me. I couldn't find any of them. I did find Moby Dick, which I considered since I've never read it and it's one of the books the whole world assumes you have, but the 700 pages seemed a little more than I could handle in such a short time. So, after searching for nearly 20 minutes, I found and purchased the Road. A book several people told me not to read, some people told me they couldn't get through it, some people told me it would change my life, and some said it was the best book ever. When i was paying for it, the old guy, who i assume to be the owner, laid out his opinions on every Cormac McCarthy book ever written which lasted about 5 minutes...but he hadn't read the Road. 

I've finished it now. I can't recommend it, but I can't really describe how I even feel about it. I don't think I loved it. Well, maybe I did but it almost seems wrong to say.  In case you don't know the setting, it is post-apocalyptic  America, and a man and his son are roaming the dead country hoping to survive. All life has been destroyed, besides a few humans trying to survive, the earth is desolate. The story depicts such desperation, and reveals a world absolutely void of hope. It's not dreamy or sweet. The story is actually horrifying at times, shocking that someone could actually put certain images into words, but it is deeply moving. I've been processing it a lot. What a depiction of a world starved of life and hope. A depiction of our nature, of the world absent of any redemption. The story stirred something up in me that was getting a little numb, that has the tendency to. It made me desire life and light in a fresh way. I was reminded that though the extreme of cannablism is not a typical darkness we face, the ways we use, manipulate, and hurt each other could be more similar than we think. The little boy is the essence of purity and goodness in the story. He's the only one that believes in helping others, regardless of his own fear. Some of it's naieve, but his hope is so precious that it's ackowledged by others and protected by his father...reminding him that "what you put in your head will be there forever". However painful or awful the story seems at times, it moves you to want and to fight for life and hope. You crave a world restored. Like it's said, "even so, come Lord Jesus."

At least, that's my opinion.

I went to see St. Vincent last night on a whim with Steph. St. Vincent is Annie Clark who's previously played with Polyphonic Spree and Sufjan Stevens, and she's seriously a gem. She's so sweet and cute in person, but makes music that's much more awesome and layered than simply sweet. She played in a small room in Paradiso, and intimate shows like that are always fun. Steph and I just kept looking at each other saying, "this is so great"...

Since I still don't know how to add music to a post, here's some videos. The first one's from a take away show with la blogotheque and the second is her new video from her upcoming album.

We ran into some friends at the show and ended up going out to a bar nearby afterwards. Somehow it happened to be music pub trivia night and it was absolutely hilarious. I don't think I've heard so many awful songs in one night. I hardly knew any of them, and I think that makes me the true winner. Our team had a lot of fun attempting to guess though, and relied on our only Dutch teammate for all the Dutch songs. Sadly he moved to the States before he was two and wasn't much help. We walked away in last place, but felt we made a valiant effort!

I'm thinking I need a Spring-ier picture of Amsterdam. And also thinking that I haven't written much lately.

A few things...

In the past month, my body's begun to fall apart. I was feeling overly tired and have unexplained bruises all over my body (which my doctor hesitated to believe were accidental, since they're suspiciously mostly on my thighs and arms), and there were other symptoms not worth blogging much about. Anyways, I decided it was time to take a trip to the doctor, as suggested by my mother. This was a process, and totally weird when you're used to American doctors. I felt like I was going into a business meeting when I went to my appointment. Not to mention that my sweet doctor's office shares a building with a real estate agency, and her door is completely unmarked with no receptionist. Luckily, an old man was wandering the building and could direct me to the right door. She sent me to get bloodwork done, which was yet another experience in and of itself. But while I was entering into the Dutch health system, I somehow also managed to completely wipe out in a park, cut up my knee, get my first bloody nose, and cut/bruise my heel in the photography museum (while also filling my flats with blood...gross). I'm contemplating the benefits of living in a bubble at this point. When my brother was having seizures, my parents jokingly bought an "apartment helmut" to make light of the situation, and "bubble" seems like an appropriate gift for me. 

I've been so thankful (for about 8 months now...) for the way the Lord's built a life for me in Amsterdam. What a gift to be a part of a church family with people that I love and respect so much, to be studying with people from all over the world, to live in an apartment with a balcony off the kitchen and a roommate that's always a relief to come home to, to have friends that I've known for only a few months that I feel I can really share who I am with, to be able to ride my bike everywhere, to live in a city where wine is allowed to be drank in the park. It's strange to think back and recall when doing exactly what I'm doing right now was just a dream, with no idea how to make it real. There are times when I miss being enveloped in American culture (something I can't conceptualize right now), and miss predictability and how easy interactions are. I don't think I've ever been more insecure. There are times when I forget the power of the Kingdom of God, the way it transforms lives, since it's unacknowledged by so many as being the way to change the world. There are times when I feel like I'm lost and messy, and maybe even messier than before. But I'm discovering that whatever is being grown in me (or falling away) as I'm breaking like a little girl, is part of the gift. I think. 

I have officially begun my thesis field work. I bought a super cool voice recorder, and had my first interview yesterday with a girl named Nadia. She was absolutely one of the sweetest girls, and we clicked instantly. She was open and gentle and honest and it was encouraging. It reminded me that I care. I started to forget, after writing three drafts of a thesis proposal and reading as much Bourdieu as I could get my hands on. But, Nadia reminded me. She inspired me so much that when I met with my advisor several hours later and he mentioned his vision for this perhaps turning into a large project for the future, I said "definitely".  Definitely was a bit over the top, considering I've never even thought about continuing my research post graduation. Whoops.

This all seems a valid reflection of my life the past two weeks. Though I've also discovered Burgermeester (literally the closest restaurant to my house), bought a jump rope hoping to convince people double dutch is back in, went bowling, had 2 fab meetings for Zoet and Zout, saw the Avedon exhibit at FOAM, and started using iCal.