In Amsterdam

I realized several years ago that I'm terrified to create. Anything, really. It can be art, or writing, or music, or schoolwork, or new initiatives. I feel sick just thinking about being the main creative element in anything. I'm okay with having ideas and smartly passing them onto someone else, but having to bear the responsibility of the expression and responses of others is something I'd rather do without.

I felt sad at this discovery (as I love both art and academia), but accepted that perhaps I'm not cut out for it. Years later though, and after being convinced ceaselessly that we were all created to be creators, I have hope that I can have a place in it all. I feel convinced that it's not the Lord's choosing for me to be unable to create while others have all the fun, but instead my aversion to the vulnerability required to do so.

Creating is truly vulnerable. You put something out there, which often requires much of your heart and deep expression of you as a person, and it somehow affects the world and people around you. Even more, in whichever way you express yourself, the moment it's created it's no longer just yours, and everyone else can have their input. Yes, I have fear of criticism and rejection, which I like to assume most other humans do as well, but even positive recognition is a bit terrifying. I think positive interest is more appealing than negative (obviously, perhaps), but I'd prefer no one to take an interest at all. There's safety in being just another person in a crowd. Which very likely is one reason I can never get a haircut that's too over the top. Or even the thought of a guy sending me flowers is enough to make me sick.

So, aversion to vulnerability. I have an idea where this stems from, but feel that 24 years of never taking risks to move out of it has only made it that much more difficult. But regardless, I feel hopeful. I think for the first time, overcoming what's seemed just part of my person actually appears possible. I feel promise that the Lord desires me to be vulnerable and to create and to express and to recreate along with him. Even that he wants me to love and receive love along with him as well. It's not so terrifying when you realize it's not a matter of empty attempts on your own, but that you have the creator of the universe on your side. I feel like the ability to be vulnerable will bring my soul to life even more, which thankfully is our Lord's expertise.

It's a messy life. And somehow never gets completely tidy...but it's wonderful to know Jesus makes good of it all.