Several things on my mind tonight:

1. I bought new deodorant today, the first time since moving. I was hoping I could hold out until I got back to the states next week, but I didn't think I could go that long without antiperspirant. Unfortunately (for me), most Europeans use spray-on which is completely unattractive to me. I don't like most things aerosol, and how it floats around in the air after a spray. My deodorant floating in the air is definitely unappealing. So anyways, there was only one roll-on kind available, which I went for. However, it's the most perfumey smell I've ever worn and every once in a while when I get a wiff of my armpit I feel like I have to sneeze. 

2. I really enjoy ordering hot chocolate at a cafe that serves the whipped cream on the side. What a treat! It's like 2 delicacies for the price of one. Sip of hot chocolate, spoonful of whipped cream, sip of hot chocolate, spoonful of whipped cream...

3. Advertisers in Amsterdam can stay. In the states, advertising for stores, clubs, deals, etc consists of a flier on your windshield. I always hated getting in my car, turning onto the road, and realizing that there was a piece of paper under my windshield wiper. However, since cycling rules in Amsterdam, advertisers put seat covers on bikes. This is not annoying at all! In fact, when it starts raining while you're inside studying and you begrudgingly step out to your bicycle and realize there's a seat cover on it, it's pretty much a gift from God. 

4. Tomorrow I give an extremely brief introduction of my thesis topic to the other students and professors within my program. I have a decent idea of what I'll do, but am still feeling a bit unsure. Maybe it's just insecurities. It's times like this that I feel a bit like a fake. Do people know that I almost never went to class in my undergrad? That I only speak one language? That I like tv shows and books about high schoolers' love lives? Do they know that I have absolutely no professional experience besides being a professional volunteer? I keep reminding myself that my MA thesis doesn't have to change the world, I'm just entering into the discussion on a specific topic. And will I be disappointed if all I do is give a voice to someone who's being oppressed, or who's being treated unjustly? The bridge between my compassion and academia is an interesting one. I'm still not sure what it looks like. 

"It got me wondering..."

So, I just felt like adding that my friend Mary is hilarious and great. We enjoy grabbing lunch/coffee/drinks after class and usually end up talking for hours about topics from the church or our dreams to interesting Dutchisms and dating. She has this thing though, when it begins to feel like we're trying to take on the world with our policy ideas or theories about Dutch men, that she pretends to smoke a cigarette and type at her laptop, and mimics Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City fame. Typically this is to make fun of our ideas and how important we think they are. I'm not advocating the show, but when she does this it is just absolutely endearing and hilarious. And now, I have a hard time typing in my blog on my mac and not thinking about Mary pretending to write a column on why there are so many great single girls and avoiding laughing to myself. 

Feeling new.

I'm sitting in my living room with Brooke, right after enjoying tasty thai take out from down the street (which has become a common meal here). It's quiet, besides the occasional bicycle bell, laugh, or tram coming from outside. Our crazy tulip lamp is glowing and candles are lit. Very "gezellig". And I'm sitting here, and realizing that it feels completely normal. This space, our little apartment which we've lived in for about 3 months now, is home. We've had friends over for breakfasts, hosted the Nash family for several weeks, had a big party to celebrate Julia's birthday,  had lots of friends over for movies, drinks, dinner, etc, managed to acquire enough stuff to have clutter, and once I even caused the shower to flood the bathroom. Our house has definitely been "warmed". 

And not only does our little home truly feel like home, but the vineyard amsterdam church family has come to really feel like family. We laugh together, complain together, tell stories together, pray and worship together, dream together. I feel so overwhelmed with thankfulness just thinking about them. 

So, all of this said, I leave for Ohio in 2 and half weeks for Christmas. The exact day I leave I will have been living in Amsterdam for 4 months. 4 months! I really can't decide if that seems short or long. Time has flown by, but so much has happened! And I feel different. At my core, I still feel like the Allie that arrived nearly 4 months ago, but there are pieces of me that I think have been lost while being here and there are things that are new about me. Some things about my worldview have changed. Sometimes I notice I speak in an accent/broken english to be more understood and am afraid this is going to stick. Sometimes I feel almost overwhelmed thinking about walking into a store like Target, or even a church like vineyard columbus, and claustrophobic imagining being in a car everyday. And just as shocking, I've become comfortable with being uncomfortable. I no longer panic at Albert Heijn, not knowing what kind of food I'm buying and I know to say "nee" when the cashier asks if I'd like a bag. I don't feel like a tourist when I do something dumb on my bike, rather just a sleepy student on Monday morning. I don't travel the city with a map any longer or have to always check tram/ train times. I am the proud owner of an Amsterdam OBA (public library) card, Museum card, video rental card, and last but not least a strange calculator-like machine used for Dutch online banking. And I no longer mind being in the middle of a conversation and being the only one that doesn't speak Dutch. or French. or German. or Greek. 

It's strange to suddenly realize that I'm different now. Almost four months have passed, and something about me is new. And I know that I'll never be the same. I've lost the ability to identify with one culture, which seems like a gift in fact. It's really a new identity being born and constantly changing as my life here develops. I'm excited to be in Ohio soon though, with people that are familiar and know me deeply (and have still chosen to love me deeply). I'm excited for it, but still wondering what it'll be like to transition back for only 10 days. To be my new self in my old home. 

So, anyways. Still just sitting here with Brooke, in our living room, typing away. Gezellig.

The manger.

I no longer have my collection of advent related books, devotionals, poems, prayers, etc. which is kind of sad right now. Well actually I still have them but they're hiding somewhere in my parents' basement. Luckily the following little piece I had saved on my computer. It really is incredible that God came to earth as a baby, and I think Bonhoeffer writes beautifully and simply about it's meaning for us. 

'Those Who Go to the Manger Will Be Transformed'
Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"If God chooses Mary as his instrument, if God himself wants to come into this world in the manger at Bethlehem, that is no idyllic family affair, but the beginning of a complete turnaround, a reordering of everything on the earth. If we wish to take part in this Advent and Christmas event, then we cannot simply be bystanders or onlookers, as if we were at the theater, enjoying all the cheerful images. No, we ourselves are swept up into the action there, into this conversion of all things. We have to play our part too on this stage, for the spectator is already an actor. We cannot withdraw.
What part, then, do we play? Pious shepherds, on bended knee? Kings who come bearing gifts? What sort of play is this, where Mary becomes the mother of God? Where God enters the world in the lowliness of the manger?
The judgment of the world and its redemption - that is taking place here. And the Christ child in the manger is himself the one who prounounces the judgment and redemption of the world. He repels the great and the powerful. He puts down the might from their thrones, he humbles the arrogant, his arm overpowers all the proud and the strong, he raises what is lowly and makes it great and splendid in his compassion.
Therefore we cannot approach his manger as if it were the cradle of any other child. Those who wish to come to his manger find that something is happening within them."

"Even as fire when used leaves a mark on a man's body, so words of Torah when used leave a mark on the body. Fire: they who work with it are readily distinguishable from other mortals. So, too - by their walk, by their speech, by their garments in the marketplace - disciples of the wise are just as readily distinguishable."

Just thinking about this today. I want my life to be marked by scripture. I want to be smelly with the truth, and my hands stained with the words of Jesus as someone working with fire would smell like smoke and have hands stained by soot. I want the living word of God to be more alive in me and to impact my very being in a greater way.

Also, I'm in a class right now that focuses on professionalism and governance and "dealing with turbulent urban settings". It's really interesting and we're getting to look at a ton of case studies, but we're also looking at failed initiatives. There've been a lot of people with good ideas and good intentions to truly change circumstances for some of the most marginalized people in the world, but for some reason they end up making a bigger mess. In fact, my teacher made sure to remind us last week that "just because we're lefty and compassionate doesn't mean we won't f*** something up." Shoot. 

So, anyways, I'm again feeling overwhelmed with the need in the world and reminded of how small I am. I'm overwhelmed with the difficulty to truly change circumstances in education and housing projects due to the bureaucracy of policy. I'm overwhelmed with the amount of theory and research to consider, and to sit around with followers of Bourdieu and Weber and Durkheim, knowing that saying I follow Jesus has no credibility with most. I'm overwhelmed with feeling like I have no answers...for anything. Which leads me back to the quote at the top. I need the truth of scripture to mark my life in a greater way, and the hope and wisdom found in it to become my very being. That really seems like the only answer; to soak in the Truth.

Excitement! (volume 1)

About a month ago I started listening to Christmas music. Not the cheesy classics, but the winter-themed (and Christ-themed!) songs with indie music credibility. I made sure to warn Brooke just in case she was someone that was annoyed by a premature jump into the holidays (which she's not!). I also was thrilled to see that the Christmas lights were beginning to be hung about three weeks ago all over the city of Amsterdam. I guess when there aren't single-family homes to privately decorate, the city takes over! Nearly every street has a little something. Now this past weekend I was able to partake in the arrival of Sinterklaas to Antwerp! He came to Amsterdam the next day, but I chose to sleep instead. I seriously felt like a 6 year old! I waited on the dock with several other 20something friends and was noticeably excited to see Sinterklaas' steamboat pull around the corner. Kind of embarrassing, but I didn't seem to care. I was made fun of on several occasions for the amount of videotaping I was doing, but I just loved the whole experience! And it also happened that Sinterklaas was late to Antwerp, which I secretly enjoyed! All the kids (and some others...) anxiously awaited his arrival and kept singing Sinterklaas songs and eating waffles to pass the time.

Typically for me, the holidays are a more thought provoking, sort of meditation on the previous year in light of Christ's arrival to earth. I really do hope for some of that this year, but what a thrill to be so excited for something so silly! It's fun to be innocent and expectant moreso than usual, and we actually were commissioned to be like children, right? I definitely feel like a kid right now. Here are some pictures from the Sinterklaas extravaganza, because I've realized pictures make my blog so much more attractive.

And by the way...my brother's getting MARRIED! I'm not sure if it's a secret, but I'm really really excited! It'll be in April or May I guess (which means a trip to Iceland very soon!) Here's a picture of Drew and Sola, just because.

oh, worldviews

No matter my opinion of him, I feel bad for Alan Greenspan. Did he cause the ever continuing economic crisis that is now international? I really don't know, but probably wouldn't blame one man. However anyone that at 82 years old has to confess to the world that their entire worldview may be wrong, I ache a little for. Who would want to discover that their entire purpose, their job, their ideology might in fact be erroneous and is actually negatively affecting millions of people? MAN. Will all objectivists now see the light? Can I say that on my own blog without sounding like a weirdo or being completely offensive? I'm not sure. Now I'm rambling.