Feeling new.

I'm sitting in my living room with Brooke, right after enjoying tasty thai take out from down the street (which has become a common meal here). It's quiet, besides the occasional bicycle bell, laugh, or tram coming from outside. Our crazy tulip lamp is glowing and candles are lit. Very "gezellig". And I'm sitting here, and realizing that it feels completely normal. This space, our little apartment which we've lived in for about 3 months now, is home. We've had friends over for breakfasts, hosted the Nash family for several weeks, had a big party to celebrate Julia's birthday,  had lots of friends over for movies, drinks, dinner, etc, managed to acquire enough stuff to have clutter, and once I even caused the shower to flood the bathroom. Our house has definitely been "warmed". 

And not only does our little home truly feel like home, but the vineyard amsterdam church family has come to really feel like family. We laugh together, complain together, tell stories together, pray and worship together, dream together. I feel so overwhelmed with thankfulness just thinking about them. 

So, all of this said, I leave for Ohio in 2 and half weeks for Christmas. The exact day I leave I will have been living in Amsterdam for 4 months. 4 months! I really can't decide if that seems short or long. Time has flown by, but so much has happened! And I feel different. At my core, I still feel like the Allie that arrived nearly 4 months ago, but there are pieces of me that I think have been lost while being here and there are things that are new about me. Some things about my worldview have changed. Sometimes I notice I speak in an accent/broken english to be more understood and am afraid this is going to stick. Sometimes I feel almost overwhelmed thinking about walking into a store like Target, or even a church like vineyard columbus, and claustrophobic imagining being in a car everyday. And just as shocking, I've become comfortable with being uncomfortable. I no longer panic at Albert Heijn, not knowing what kind of food I'm buying and I know to say "nee" when the cashier asks if I'd like a bag. I don't feel like a tourist when I do something dumb on my bike, rather just a sleepy student on Monday morning. I don't travel the city with a map any longer or have to always check tram/ train times. I am the proud owner of an Amsterdam OBA (public library) card, Museum card, video rental card, and last but not least a strange calculator-like machine used for Dutch online banking. And I no longer mind being in the middle of a conversation and being the only one that doesn't speak Dutch. or French. or German. or Greek. 

It's strange to suddenly realize that I'm different now. Almost four months have passed, and something about me is new. And I know that I'll never be the same. I've lost the ability to identify with one culture, which seems like a gift in fact. It's really a new identity being born and constantly changing as my life here develops. I'm excited to be in Ohio soon though, with people that are familiar and know me deeply (and have still chosen to love me deeply). I'm excited for it, but still wondering what it'll be like to transition back for only 10 days. To be my new self in my old home. 

So, anyways. Still just sitting here with Brooke, in our living room, typing away. Gezellig.