I went to see St. Vincent last night on a whim with Steph. St. Vincent is Annie Clark who's previously played with Polyphonic Spree and Sufjan Stevens, and she's seriously a gem. She's so sweet and cute in person, but makes music that's much more awesome and layered than simply sweet. She played in a small room in Paradiso, and intimate shows like that are always fun. Steph and I just kept looking at each other saying, "this is so great"...

Since I still don't know how to add music to a post, here's some videos. The first one's from a take away show with la blogotheque and the second is her new video from her upcoming album.

We ran into some friends at the show and ended up going out to a bar nearby afterwards. Somehow it happened to be music pub trivia night and it was absolutely hilarious. I don't think I've heard so many awful songs in one night. I hardly knew any of them, and I think that makes me the true winner. Our team had a lot of fun attempting to guess though, and relied on our only Dutch teammate for all the Dutch songs. Sadly he moved to the States before he was two and wasn't much help. We walked away in last place, but felt we made a valiant effort!

I'm thinking I need a Spring-ier picture of Amsterdam. And also thinking that I haven't written much lately.

A few things...

In the past month, my body's begun to fall apart. I was feeling overly tired and have unexplained bruises all over my body (which my doctor hesitated to believe were accidental, since they're suspiciously mostly on my thighs and arms), and there were other symptoms not worth blogging much about. Anyways, I decided it was time to take a trip to the doctor, as suggested by my mother. This was a process, and totally weird when you're used to American doctors. I felt like I was going into a business meeting when I went to my appointment. Not to mention that my sweet doctor's office shares a building with a real estate agency, and her door is completely unmarked with no receptionist. Luckily, an old man was wandering the building and could direct me to the right door. She sent me to get bloodwork done, which was yet another experience in and of itself. But while I was entering into the Dutch health system, I somehow also managed to completely wipe out in a park, cut up my knee, get my first bloody nose, and cut/bruise my heel in the photography museum (while also filling my flats with blood...gross). I'm contemplating the benefits of living in a bubble at this point. When my brother was having seizures, my parents jokingly bought an "apartment helmut" to make light of the situation, and "bubble" seems like an appropriate gift for me. 

I've been so thankful (for about 8 months now...) for the way the Lord's built a life for me in Amsterdam. What a gift to be a part of a church family with people that I love and respect so much, to be studying with people from all over the world, to live in an apartment with a balcony off the kitchen and a roommate that's always a relief to come home to, to have friends that I've known for only a few months that I feel I can really share who I am with, to be able to ride my bike everywhere, to live in a city where wine is allowed to be drank in the park. It's strange to think back and recall when doing exactly what I'm doing right now was just a dream, with no idea how to make it real. There are times when I miss being enveloped in American culture (something I can't conceptualize right now), and miss predictability and how easy interactions are. I don't think I've ever been more insecure. There are times when I forget the power of the Kingdom of God, the way it transforms lives, since it's unacknowledged by so many as being the way to change the world. There are times when I feel like I'm lost and messy, and maybe even messier than before. But I'm discovering that whatever is being grown in me (or falling away) as I'm breaking like a little girl, is part of the gift. I think. 

I have officially begun my thesis field work. I bought a super cool voice recorder, and had my first interview yesterday with a girl named Nadia. She was absolutely one of the sweetest girls, and we clicked instantly. She was open and gentle and honest and it was encouraging. It reminded me that I care. I started to forget, after writing three drafts of a thesis proposal and reading as much Bourdieu as I could get my hands on. But, Nadia reminded me. She inspired me so much that when I met with my advisor several hours later and he mentioned his vision for this perhaps turning into a large project for the future, I said "definitely".  Definitely was a bit over the top, considering I've never even thought about continuing my research post graduation. Whoops.

This all seems a valid reflection of my life the past two weeks. Though I've also discovered Burgermeester (literally the closest restaurant to my house), bought a jump rope hoping to convince people double dutch is back in, went bowling, had 2 fab meetings for Zoet and Zout, saw the Avedon exhibit at FOAM, and started using iCal.

Goede Vrijdag

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how...
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

[instrumental break]

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

So come on, come on

So come on, come on

So come on, come on

So come on, come on

"The amazing way that anxieties pass away, when enfolded and quickened by the Presence! The old life of one dimension, lived merely in the ribbon of time, was always a strained life. Had we calculated the past correctly? What unforeseen happening in the future can arise and overthrow our efforts? Strain! Strain! Out of such attitudes are built those lives which get written up in the success-stories of the American Magazine. And religious people think they must work hard and please God and make a good record and bring in the kingdom! Has the Nietzschean ideal of the superman, with heroic, world-striding power, hypnotized the church into an over-activistic attitude?

And then comes the sense of the Presence. The Eternal Now breaks through the time-nows and all is secure. A sense of absolute security and assurance of being linked with an overcoming Power replaces the old anxieties about the Kingdom. It is a security regarding the individual and regarding the group and regarding the race of men. Then we say, "How could we have been so blind?" For surely all things of value are most certainly made secure through Him! Faith, serene, unbroken, unhurried world-conquest by the power of Love is a part of peace.

For the experience of Presence is the experience of peace, and the experience of peace is the experience not of inaction but of power, and the experience of power is the experience of a pursuing Love that loves its way untiringly to victory. He who knows the Presence knows peace, and he who knows peace knows power and walks in complete faith that that objective Power and Love which has overtaken him will overcome the world.

And an immediate corollary to this is the weakening of the merely calculated, rationally planned decisions. When we lived in the one-dimensional time-ribbon we had to think life our all by ourselves. The past had to be read cautiously, the future had to be planned with care. Nothing was to be undertaken unless the calculations showed that success was to be expected. No blind living, no marching boldly into the dark, no noble by ungrounded venture of faith. We must be rational, sensible, intelligent, shrewd. But then comes the reality of the Presence, and the now-Eternal is found to underlie and generate all time-temporals. And a life of amazing, victorious faith-living sets in. Not with rattle and clatter of hammers, not with strained eyebrows and tense muscles but in peace and power and confidence we work upon such apparently hopeless tasks as the elimination of war from society, and set out toward world-brotherhood and interracial fraternity in a world where all the calculated chances of success are very meagre."

-Thomas R. Kelly, A Testament of Devotion

This always means a lot to me. The reality of the new world we live in when we follow Jesus, with new values and meanings and purpose. I could say more, but really his words say it all.

I get frustrated when I can't articulate my hope for the Church, or rather, Jesus' hope for the Church. I forget perhaps not everyone has the same excitement when considering the possibilities we have as communities of people following Jesus. Instead, putting this excitement into words sounds a bit cultish, naieve, hippy...

I also forget the expectation of most that you slowly lose belief in God as you become more educated. Believing in Jesus and also social science seems like a contradiction. But as much as I believe in academia, and humanity's ability to ease suffering for some, I also believe that my solutions for anything will always be temporary. And that I have a soul that needs made alive. To me, academia sounds like BS when trying to explain being in a really dark place for no reason, or the feeling you get experiencing loss of love, or your longings that can't be satisfied by anything in this world, or the reason we can't evolve past war and racism, or why we have hope, really.

I forget this isn't everyone's experience.

I forget that I'm weird. Until someone tells me directly. Or until a room of people looks at me with blank expressions. Or until someone asks me to scientifically explain prayer or worship services in order to make a valid point. Really? 

But I also think everyone experiences hints of redeemed life. That everyone experiences pieces of the kingdom coming, whether or not they know how to describe it. 

As a side note, I'm sitting across from a photo of someone that looks an awful lot like a 45 year old Ian Curtis. Oh, if only it were so.

Brent's coming to visit in June! And Keith and Lee too! Makes me feel special. And so excited.

I'm already planning all the fun things we can do. What a treat to experience Amsterdam with them. 

I recently talked to Hilary in Thailand via facebook chat. What a small world these days. We talked boys, and dreams for our lives. So very typical. I just love her, and how easy it is to connect no matter how long it's been since we've talked. She just let's people in, and it's a delight! 

I also got to talk to Blake today, which made my day. He's one of the most profound and also most inappropriately funny people I know. I wish I could be more like him. Missing him and his music too...

I feel like such a lucky girl to have great friends on both sides of the Atlantic. I'm so loved. I'm surrounded by people that make me laugh so hard that I give myself a headache. And people that are so extremely talented, I'm just holding onto the idea that it's contagious. And people that are extremely selfless. And genuine. And adventurous. And compassionate. And strong. 

I could make a really long list of all the people that make me feel like such a lucky girl, and all the reasons I want them to stick around. So, those are just the ones on my mind. 

Tonight I specifically wish this one would stick around. And specifically in Amsterdam. It'll be a different city when she goes...

Last time I got caught in the rain.

I've been very much in love with Manon sur le Bitume lately. It's one of the shorts that was up for an Oscar this year. Very Amelie-esque. Really beautiful but a bit tragic. Manon recalls/celebrates life for several minutes as she's close to death. During one part she remembers several "lasts", one of them being caught in the rain for the last time. Lovely. Throughout the film a really great cover of "You're gonna make me lonesome when you go" plays. I can't find a trailer or anything to give you a taste of the film, so here's a simple link to the wonderful Dylan version of the song from Blood on the Tracks. Classic.

You're gonna make me lonesome when you go