Do you ever have days (or, lifetimes) where everything seems utterly hopeless? I do. Not right at this moment, but the other day was one of those. I mean, has there ever been an initiative or revolution or policy that's truly bettered the position of mankind? Okay, I take that back. Considering as writing it I thought of several (notably non-violent movements like the US civil rights, the Indian independence movement, etc). But not nearly enough as you'd hope for!

It's a lot to think about (or worry about) and have hope for (and also the compassion). In our own small worlds alone we're surrounded by people who have tremendous need for love and healing. And then if you consider our neighborhoods, churches, cities, and the world. I, and I imagine most of you, don't want to be someone that knows about violence in inner cities all over the world, but separates myself from it to pretend it isn't there. Or who hears about war and starvation and decides to read the news less to avoid any sort of responsibility. But sometimes it just feels like too much.

We're contaminating our earth and our bodies, we are incapable of moving past violent wars in order to solve conflict, the gap between the wealthy and poor continues to grow, women continue to earn less than men and have less rights globally, people groups are constantly becoming the source of marginalization (if it's not for color it's because of religion, or ethnicity, or social economic standing). And even more, somehow it all connects. It's all cyclical. Which makes any sort of light extremely dim.

In all honesty, how do people have faith that it can get better? Especially when I can barely think past myself on most days. There could have been a lot of answers to our mess, but Jesus was such a good one. God was brilliant again and sent a Savior to redeem it all. If it wasn't for that victory, I don't think I could find strength to hope for anything more than the reality of today. How could I? The mess inside me alone needs a whole lot of redemption.

I realized several years ago that I'm terrified to create. Anything, really. It can be art, or writing, or music, or schoolwork, or new initiatives. I feel sick just thinking about being the main creative element in anything. I'm okay with having ideas and smartly passing them onto someone else, but having to bear the responsibility of the expression and responses of others is something I'd rather do without.

I felt sad at this discovery (as I love both art and academia), but accepted that perhaps I'm not cut out for it. Years later though, and after being convinced ceaselessly that we were all created to be creators, I have hope that I can have a place in it all. I feel convinced that it's not the Lord's choosing for me to be unable to create while others have all the fun, but instead my aversion to the vulnerability required to do so.

Creating is truly vulnerable. You put something out there, which often requires much of your heart and deep expression of you as a person, and it somehow affects the world and people around you. Even more, in whichever way you express yourself, the moment it's created it's no longer just yours, and everyone else can have their input. Yes, I have fear of criticism and rejection, which I like to assume most other humans do as well, but even positive recognition is a bit terrifying. I think positive interest is more appealing than negative (obviously, perhaps), but I'd prefer no one to take an interest at all. There's safety in being just another person in a crowd. Which very likely is one reason I can never get a haircut that's too over the top. Or even the thought of a guy sending me flowers is enough to make me sick.

So, aversion to vulnerability. I have an idea where this stems from, but feel that 24 years of never taking risks to move out of it has only made it that much more difficult. But regardless, I feel hopeful. I think for the first time, overcoming what's seemed just part of my person actually appears possible. I feel promise that the Lord desires me to be vulnerable and to create and to express and to recreate along with him. Even that he wants me to love and receive love along with him as well. It's not so terrifying when you realize it's not a matter of empty attempts on your own, but that you have the creator of the universe on your side. I feel like the ability to be vulnerable will bring my soul to life even more, which thankfully is our Lord's expertise.

It's a messy life. And somehow never gets completely tidy...but it's wonderful to know Jesus makes good of it all.

I went to the States and...

was very patriotic

had an ice cream fest

danced with Meghan

hung out with Drew and Sola (and their cardboard cutouts)

ate big American breakfasts

watched people shoot guns and drink margaritas

went on an impromptu canoe ride

bowled

went to Michigan

had bonfires

went tubing

did lots of sudoku

had lots of fun with Brent

he did lots of sudoku too

saw Blake play with Old Hundred (this isn't the show, but it is moments after he was shirtless)

saw Germon's beard

slept over at Meredith's

went to bodega

ate a lot

went to California to see Mandy

That's nearly all.

Sometimes hidden from me
in daily custom and in trust,
so that I live by you unaware
as by the beating of my heart.

Suddenly you flare in my sight,
a wild rose blooming at the edge
of thicket, grace and light
where yesterday was only shade,

and once again I am blessed, choosing
again what I chose before.

-Wendell Berry

I'm about 90% sure this was written for his wife, but I feel it speaks volumes about Jesus, or at least my life with him. Some days I spend the whole time existing in my own little world, forgetting that I've given my life to something much bigger. Meaning I'm completely detached from what this means in all of my interactions with the things and people around me. My thinking becomes rational, my actions become selfish, any hope for something greater, or something more, is compromised. But how lucky that the Lord doesn't let me swim, or drown, myself in this world! It's never long before something happens or I have an experience I couldn't have manipulated myself and I'm reminded of the worldview I bank my life on.

It's been two months since I've last written. How has it been two months? And it's August 19th, nearly the end of summer. I say it a lot, and surely sound redundant, but how has time gone so fast? It's also been one year since Brooke and I arrived to Amsterdam. We went out for a celebratory dinner, stroll through Vondelpark, and glass of white wine last night and tried to reflect on our lives and how we've changed this year. It's almost impossible to do so though. It's too close still, I think. Everything still feels fresh, a whole year later. Perhaps it's good to be settled in a city (relatively of course, since everything will change within weeks) and not feel like who I am is settled. I'd probably be bored, or boring for that matter.

I managed to write 20,000+ words between going to Iceland and spending two weeks in England this summer. I'm not sure how it happened, but miraculously I had produced pages upon pages of theoretical and empirical research. It was exhausting, really. But! In a desperate attempt to obtain respondents, Brooke and I visited a local mosque that is the talk of Europe (at least in circles that discuss things like integration and religion). The mosque is young and still discussing their positions on topics like mixing men and women, so we not only got to hear a teaching but also sit in on a conversation between the women about how they should relate to the men and the community. Fascinating, really. But more importantly, we were welcomed with typical Moroccan hospitality by the sweetest Moroccan-Dutch girls. "The sisters" as they are now referred to. Being able to be a bridge between the Muslim and the Christian communities was a dream, but it's really a gift to have such dear friendships come from it. Since our meeting at the mosque we've spent several days together talking about being women and being believers in God, and some of the sweetest conversations I've ever had about faith. Funny that an act of desperation can produce such a gift.

I want to talk about Jesus now but have a date with Leanne. I'll keep that for the next post...

My brother gets married in 2 weeks. I can't believe it! It's hard to remember he's making a huge commitment, completely beginning a new life and not just having a big party in Iceland. I've been overly emotional about it. I'm incredibly excited, his wife-to-be is absolutely wonderful and sweet and kind, and I've always wanted a sister. I spent my childhood hoping for a sister. Literally my whole childhood was spent with my two brothers and family friends who mostly only had sons (besides a few exceptions). So, having another girl around will be a delight! So, I'm not sad. My emotions have been more related to how overwhelmingly thankful I am, I think. 

I feel so thankful for Drew. Luckily, I don't think he knows about my blog, so I can talk about him without him being super embarrassed. He's honestly one of the most kind, friendly, brilliant, witty, talented people I know. He's someone that you want to be around. He makes you feel like you matter. It's fun to have grown up with him. To remember him at his worst and at his best. To have spent some of my most fun times with him, laughing literally for hours and being complete idiots, and to have spent the absolute hardest times with him, crying together for hours.

Drew's so talented and yet so humble about it. There's not much he's done that he hasn't been incredibly successful in...but you don't always know that...and I'm not sure he even recognizes it. And he's extremely genuine and caring, nearly always considering people's thoughts and feelings before his own. 

I'm thankful too for the way his life has been protected. There were many times that something awful could have happened, but somehow a friend was there at the right time, or he had a girlfriend that wasn't afraid to give him a shot, or a police officer recognized him from being in a band, or he was just miraculously okay...and it's just such evidence how precious his life is to the Lord. 

So, I'm thankful. That I get to do life with him. That I get to be his sister. That I get to be there as he enters into a new life with Sola. It's exciting!

A lost seafarer, alive, has returned home.

Sæglópur, á lífi 
Kominn heim 
Sæglópur, á lífi 
Kominn heim 
þaõ kemur kafari 
Komin heim 
þaõ kemur kafari 
Komin heim 

A lost seafarer, alive 
Has returned home 
A lost seafarer, alive 
Has returned home 
A diver comes 
Has returned home 
A diver comes 
Has returned home

And just for fun, Glosoli! Soon, I will be one of those kids laying in the moss and running around on the cliffs...and praying to be able to fly too.