"The amazing way that anxieties pass away, when enfolded and quickened by the Presence! The old life of one dimension, lived merely in the ribbon of time, was always a strained life. Had we calculated the past correctly? What unforeseen happening in the future can arise and overthrow our efforts? Strain! Strain! Out of such attitudes are built those lives which get written up in the success-stories of the American Magazine. And religious people think they must work hard and please God and make a good record and bring in the kingdom! Has the Nietzschean ideal of the superman, with heroic, world-striding power, hypnotized the church into an over-activistic attitude?

And then comes the sense of the Presence. The Eternal Now breaks through the time-nows and all is secure. A sense of absolute security and assurance of being linked with an overcoming Power replaces the old anxieties about the Kingdom. It is a security regarding the individual and regarding the group and regarding the race of men. Then we say, "How could we have been so blind?" For surely all things of value are most certainly made secure through Him! Faith, serene, unbroken, unhurried world-conquest by the power of Love is a part of peace.

For the experience of Presence is the experience of peace, and the experience of peace is the experience not of inaction but of power, and the experience of power is the experience of a pursuing Love that loves its way untiringly to victory. He who knows the Presence knows peace, and he who knows peace knows power and walks in complete faith that that objective Power and Love which has overtaken him will overcome the world.

And an immediate corollary to this is the weakening of the merely calculated, rationally planned decisions. When we lived in the one-dimensional time-ribbon we had to think life our all by ourselves. The past had to be read cautiously, the future had to be planned with care. Nothing was to be undertaken unless the calculations showed that success was to be expected. No blind living, no marching boldly into the dark, no noble by ungrounded venture of faith. We must be rational, sensible, intelligent, shrewd. But then comes the reality of the Presence, and the now-Eternal is found to underlie and generate all time-temporals. And a life of amazing, victorious faith-living sets in. Not with rattle and clatter of hammers, not with strained eyebrows and tense muscles but in peace and power and confidence we work upon such apparently hopeless tasks as the elimination of war from society, and set out toward world-brotherhood and interracial fraternity in a world where all the calculated chances of success are very meagre."

-Thomas R. Kelly, A Testament of Devotion

This always means a lot to me. The reality of the new world we live in when we follow Jesus, with new values and meanings and purpose. I could say more, but really his words say it all.

I get frustrated when I can't articulate my hope for the Church, or rather, Jesus' hope for the Church. I forget perhaps not everyone has the same excitement when considering the possibilities we have as communities of people following Jesus. Instead, putting this excitement into words sounds a bit cultish, naieve, hippy...

I also forget the expectation of most that you slowly lose belief in God as you become more educated. Believing in Jesus and also social science seems like a contradiction. But as much as I believe in academia, and humanity's ability to ease suffering for some, I also believe that my solutions for anything will always be temporary. And that I have a soul that needs made alive. To me, academia sounds like BS when trying to explain being in a really dark place for no reason, or the feeling you get experiencing loss of love, or your longings that can't be satisfied by anything in this world, or the reason we can't evolve past war and racism, or why we have hope, really.

I forget this isn't everyone's experience.

I forget that I'm weird. Until someone tells me directly. Or until a room of people looks at me with blank expressions. Or until someone asks me to scientifically explain prayer or worship services in order to make a valid point. Really? 

But I also think everyone experiences hints of redeemed life. That everyone experiences pieces of the kingdom coming, whether or not they know how to describe it. 

As a side note, I'm sitting across from a photo of someone that looks an awful lot like a 45 year old Ian Curtis. Oh, if only it were so.

Brent's coming to visit in June! And Keith and Lee too! Makes me feel special. And so excited.

I'm already planning all the fun things we can do. What a treat to experience Amsterdam with them. 

I recently talked to Hilary in Thailand via facebook chat. What a small world these days. We talked boys, and dreams for our lives. So very typical. I just love her, and how easy it is to connect no matter how long it's been since we've talked. She just let's people in, and it's a delight! 

I also got to talk to Blake today, which made my day. He's one of the most profound and also most inappropriately funny people I know. I wish I could be more like him. Missing him and his music too...

I feel like such a lucky girl to have great friends on both sides of the Atlantic. I'm so loved. I'm surrounded by people that make me laugh so hard that I give myself a headache. And people that are so extremely talented, I'm just holding onto the idea that it's contagious. And people that are extremely selfless. And genuine. And adventurous. And compassionate. And strong. 

I could make a really long list of all the people that make me feel like such a lucky girl, and all the reasons I want them to stick around. So, those are just the ones on my mind. 

Tonight I specifically wish this one would stick around. And specifically in Amsterdam. It'll be a different city when she goes...

Last time I got caught in the rain.

I've been very much in love with Manon sur le Bitume lately. It's one of the shorts that was up for an Oscar this year. Very Amelie-esque. Really beautiful but a bit tragic. Manon recalls/celebrates life for several minutes as she's close to death. During one part she remembers several "lasts", one of them being caught in the rain for the last time. Lovely. Throughout the film a really great cover of "You're gonna make me lonesome when you go" plays. I can't find a trailer or anything to give you a taste of the film, so here's a simple link to the wonderful Dylan version of the song from Blood on the Tracks. Classic.

You're gonna make me lonesome when you go

I've returned from Barcelona! And feel both rested and ready for Spring. Incredibly ready for Spring. To be honest, I'm feeling so ready that I'm still not convinced I'll be able to write a thesis as it gets sunnier and sunnier, and believe it'll take an absolute gift of concentration and discipline. Oh, sweet Jesus...

But anyways, I have returned from Barcelona. It's such a lovely city! And not just because the juxtaposition of gothic city and Mediterranean is absolutely incredible, but the culture is so warm! I love that all day (and night) long you can find people enjoying coffee, sangria, tapas, music, parks, and the art of doing nothing together. There's an overwhelming sense of community. 

Several times I experienced the reoccurring, though extremely cherished, moment of feeling so full of life and so at peace that I really feel like I might be beaming. These moments usually come during the spring or summer after a day spent in the sun. I'm worn out from playing, exploring, just being in warm, sunny weather. Usually I'm a little smelly. Usually it's at dusk. And always I'm surrounded by people. In those moments I feel so free. Only being 24, it seems strange to say that it reminds me of being a kid, since I often still consider myself one...but it reminds me so much of long summer days spent playing in the neighborhood or up in Michigan. Really, it's such a bummer I can't do justice to these moments any better than I currently am, or capture them in words or pictures. I guess it's kind of a treasure in that way. Something intimate. Using language I didn't have when I was younger, perhaps these moments are a taste of the Kingdom of God. Definitely they are.

As usual, I’m supposed to be writing for an academic purpose and instead have decided blogging is more appealing. Blogging is more freeing than thesis proposal writing. Wonderful!

 So anyways, it’s been a while. January has flown by and I really have no idea what I’ve done. I don’t have much to show for it…besides going to Germany/Switzerland/France and writing a final paper and hosting an Obamafeestje. That’s enough for a month, right? Actually, the roadtrip to the Mosaic conference was a treat! So fun to spend a whole weekend with good friends in a small hotel in southern Germany. And the conference was incredible. Despite our skepticism and cynicism, I think we all left feeling radically encouraged and inspired! It was a comfy fit to everything I’ve been learning over the past few months. How to break down barriers between people who follow Jesus and people who don’t. How to make Jesus real and natural and available to everyone, not an esoteric Jesus only alive for those of us that love reading books on theology and talking about the kingdom of god as poetically as possible. I love to be reminded that we are ALL created for Him, to be given life. I’m amazed at how gifted people are that don’t know Jesus. How creative and kind and brilliant! Doesn’t seem fair. But I’ve been reading through Genesis and Exodus and feel like shaking my head at times at the people the Lord chose to reveal himself to and do big things through. He seriously chose some of the most jacked up people. People that hadn’t even proven themselves as righteous or even smart! I always feel I have to prove myself, and what a taste of humility and grace to realize that it doesn’t matter. We should please the Lord- yes! And we love to because we love Him. And that’s it…it’s really all about Him. And His deep love for us as his creation, his children. So anyways…what a gift we’re given to participate in the redemption of the world through the Lord’s redemption of our lives.

 On another note, I’m obviously pleased by last Tuesday’s events! The freshness of having a new leader, with new creativity and insight to the problems we face. There’s so much to do, and so much to learn and consider, that I feel overwhelmed even imagining what President Obama must be experiencing. Sure, I could pick apart his every move in the past few days…but I think we should all be a little gracious for the time being. Right…?

 This historic event has gotten me thinking an awful lot about black emancipation in the States as well. I realize it may be a little controversial to mention the Civil Rights’ Movement as unsuccessful, and I don’t believe that at all. BUT…I do think there’s a lot more to be done. There’s been a lot of talk regarding the new opportunities this is creating for black children. Yes, I agree this is a big step, but electing a black President cannot be the only solution…just as allowing black and white integration in schools and buses was not the only solution. There’s a lot more to be done! There’s a real change that needs to happen. In fact, the NY Times had an opinion article I thought was particularly right on. He lists the statistics regarding black children in the US. Shocking statistics that we’ve all known for a while, yet fail to address. I really have no idea what the ideal solution is, and obviously no one else has either as it’s been a problem for ages. But I think a change of heart, and an awareness of the problem is a good place to start. I’m praying that the change in the white house will bring change to communities, and families, and children’s lives. Have a read: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/24/opinion/24blow.html?ref=opinion.

It's 2009!! Incredible. I don't think I've accomplished one thing in the past few days though...and love it! I've spent several hours a day reading/praying/reflecting/crossword puzzling/La Blogotheque-ing/movie-ing/etc. A dream, huh? I'm forcing myself to begin working tomorrow though, as the countdown for one paper's deadline is offically 2 weeks come Monday...shoot.

With all the reflecting I've been doing, I'm overwhelmed with the way I'm loved. I feel so thankful for the way the Lord's intertwined my life with unexpected people this past year. And the majority of them being some of the most selfless, warm people I've ever met...on both sides of the Atlantic! I am being wonderfully supported and cared for by friends in Ohio (receiving packages, emails, big hugs in columbus) and have been amazingly welcomed by friends in the Netherlands (dinners, sharing holiday traditions, providing day-to-day sanity). I'm just beaming with thankfulness.  

We celebrated the New Year well over here. Friends, lots of kids, even more food, mafia, the Dam on tv, and fireworks! It was such a treat. New Years' Eve fireworks cause quite the frenzy over here. Supposedly they're only legal for one day (and only a few hours at that). During New Years' Eve day I was convinced that this was one of the major downfalls of Dutch culture, as it sounded like we were being bombed from 9am on. I should also mention that on my way to the grocery store I was almost hit with a firework, seeing my life flash before my eyes...and later on almost hit with Brooke after someone threw a lit one out a window. Now, I'm a girl that loves fireworks. But I also happen to be terrified if they're being ignited nearby or coming from unexpected directions. HOWEVER, this tradition of fireworks on New Years' Eve was completely redeemed at midnight. We went to the Pickerill's roof to check out the firework display just a few minutes after 12, and it was absolutely amazing. The whole city lit up! And it lasted for almost an hour. Shivering in the cold with friends on a roof at the beginning of 2009 watching Amsterdam be lit by thousands of fireworks...something to cherish.

We had a sleepover at Eric and Julia's, and rounded out the celebration with crepes, coffee, a devotion, and confessing our answers to the question "what is the crisis?". It was special to begin the new year sitting at a table with good friends, confessing our pain and hoping together. Again, beaming with thankfulness.