I get frustrated when I can't articulate my hope for the Church, or rather, Jesus' hope for the Church. I forget perhaps not everyone has the same excitement when considering the possibilities we have as communities of people following Jesus. Instead, putting this excitement into words sounds a bit cultish, naieve, hippy...

I also forget the expectation of most that you slowly lose belief in God as you become more educated. Believing in Jesus and also social science seems like a contradiction. But as much as I believe in academia, and humanity's ability to ease suffering for some, I also believe that my solutions for anything will always be temporary. And that I have a soul that needs made alive. To me, academia sounds like BS when trying to explain being in a really dark place for no reason, or the feeling you get experiencing loss of love, or your longings that can't be satisfied by anything in this world, or the reason we can't evolve past war and racism, or why we have hope, really.

I forget this isn't everyone's experience.

I forget that I'm weird. Until someone tells me directly. Or until a room of people looks at me with blank expressions. Or until someone asks me to scientifically explain prayer or worship services in order to make a valid point. Really? 

But I also think everyone experiences hints of redeemed life. That everyone experiences pieces of the kingdom coming, whether or not they know how to describe it. 

As a side note, I'm sitting across from a photo of someone that looks an awful lot like a 45 year old Ian Curtis. Oh, if only it were so.

Brent's coming to visit in June! And Keith and Lee too! Makes me feel special. And so excited.

I'm already planning all the fun things we can do. What a treat to experience Amsterdam with them. 

I recently talked to Hilary in Thailand via facebook chat. What a small world these days. We talked boys, and dreams for our lives. So very typical. I just love her, and how easy it is to connect no matter how long it's been since we've talked. She just let's people in, and it's a delight! 

I also got to talk to Blake today, which made my day. He's one of the most profound and also most inappropriately funny people I know. I wish I could be more like him. Missing him and his music too...

I feel like such a lucky girl to have great friends on both sides of the Atlantic. I'm so loved. I'm surrounded by people that make me laugh so hard that I give myself a headache. And people that are so extremely talented, I'm just holding onto the idea that it's contagious. And people that are extremely selfless. And genuine. And adventurous. And compassionate. And strong. 

I could make a really long list of all the people that make me feel like such a lucky girl, and all the reasons I want them to stick around. So, those are just the ones on my mind. 

Tonight I specifically wish this one would stick around. And specifically in Amsterdam. It'll be a different city when she goes...

Last time I got caught in the rain.

I've been very much in love with Manon sur le Bitume lately. It's one of the shorts that was up for an Oscar this year. Very Amelie-esque. Really beautiful but a bit tragic. Manon recalls/celebrates life for several minutes as she's close to death. During one part she remembers several "lasts", one of them being caught in the rain for the last time. Lovely. Throughout the film a really great cover of "You're gonna make me lonesome when you go" plays. I can't find a trailer or anything to give you a taste of the film, so here's a simple link to the wonderful Dylan version of the song from Blood on the Tracks. Classic.

You're gonna make me lonesome when you go

I've returned from Barcelona! And feel both rested and ready for Spring. Incredibly ready for Spring. To be honest, I'm feeling so ready that I'm still not convinced I'll be able to write a thesis as it gets sunnier and sunnier, and believe it'll take an absolute gift of concentration and discipline. Oh, sweet Jesus...

But anyways, I have returned from Barcelona. It's such a lovely city! And not just because the juxtaposition of gothic city and Mediterranean is absolutely incredible, but the culture is so warm! I love that all day (and night) long you can find people enjoying coffee, sangria, tapas, music, parks, and the art of doing nothing together. There's an overwhelming sense of community. 

Several times I experienced the reoccurring, though extremely cherished, moment of feeling so full of life and so at peace that I really feel like I might be beaming. These moments usually come during the spring or summer after a day spent in the sun. I'm worn out from playing, exploring, just being in warm, sunny weather. Usually I'm a little smelly. Usually it's at dusk. And always I'm surrounded by people. In those moments I feel so free. Only being 24, it seems strange to say that it reminds me of being a kid, since I often still consider myself one...but it reminds me so much of long summer days spent playing in the neighborhood or up in Michigan. Really, it's such a bummer I can't do justice to these moments any better than I currently am, or capture them in words or pictures. I guess it's kind of a treasure in that way. Something intimate. Using language I didn't have when I was younger, perhaps these moments are a taste of the Kingdom of God. Definitely they are.