Several things on my mind tonight:

1. I bought new deodorant today, the first time since moving. I was hoping I could hold out until I got back to the states next week, but I didn't think I could go that long without antiperspirant. Unfortunately (for me), most Europeans use spray-on which is completely unattractive to me. I don't like most things aerosol, and how it floats around in the air after a spray. My deodorant floating in the air is definitely unappealing. So anyways, there was only one roll-on kind available, which I went for. However, it's the most perfumey smell I've ever worn and every once in a while when I get a wiff of my armpit I feel like I have to sneeze. 

2. I really enjoy ordering hot chocolate at a cafe that serves the whipped cream on the side. What a treat! It's like 2 delicacies for the price of one. Sip of hot chocolate, spoonful of whipped cream, sip of hot chocolate, spoonful of whipped cream...

3. Advertisers in Amsterdam can stay. In the states, advertising for stores, clubs, deals, etc consists of a flier on your windshield. I always hated getting in my car, turning onto the road, and realizing that there was a piece of paper under my windshield wiper. However, since cycling rules in Amsterdam, advertisers put seat covers on bikes. This is not annoying at all! In fact, when it starts raining while you're inside studying and you begrudgingly step out to your bicycle and realize there's a seat cover on it, it's pretty much a gift from God. 

4. Tomorrow I give an extremely brief introduction of my thesis topic to the other students and professors within my program. I have a decent idea of what I'll do, but am still feeling a bit unsure. Maybe it's just insecurities. It's times like this that I feel a bit like a fake. Do people know that I almost never went to class in my undergrad? That I only speak one language? That I like tv shows and books about high schoolers' love lives? Do they know that I have absolutely no professional experience besides being a professional volunteer? I keep reminding myself that my MA thesis doesn't have to change the world, I'm just entering into the discussion on a specific topic. And will I be disappointed if all I do is give a voice to someone who's being oppressed, or who's being treated unjustly? The bridge between my compassion and academia is an interesting one. I'm still not sure what it looks like. 

"It got me wondering..."

So, I just felt like adding that my friend Mary is hilarious and great. We enjoy grabbing lunch/coffee/drinks after class and usually end up talking for hours about topics from the church or our dreams to interesting Dutchisms and dating. She has this thing though, when it begins to feel like we're trying to take on the world with our policy ideas or theories about Dutch men, that she pretends to smoke a cigarette and type at her laptop, and mimics Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City fame. Typically this is to make fun of our ideas and how important we think they are. I'm not advocating the show, but when she does this it is just absolutely endearing and hilarious. And now, I have a hard time typing in my blog on my mac and not thinking about Mary pretending to write a column on why there are so many great single girls and avoiding laughing to myself. 

Feeling new.

I'm sitting in my living room with Brooke, right after enjoying tasty thai take out from down the street (which has become a common meal here). It's quiet, besides the occasional bicycle bell, laugh, or tram coming from outside. Our crazy tulip lamp is glowing and candles are lit. Very "gezellig". And I'm sitting here, and realizing that it feels completely normal. This space, our little apartment which we've lived in for about 3 months now, is home. We've had friends over for breakfasts, hosted the Nash family for several weeks, had a big party to celebrate Julia's birthday,  had lots of friends over for movies, drinks, dinner, etc, managed to acquire enough stuff to have clutter, and once I even caused the shower to flood the bathroom. Our house has definitely been "warmed". 

And not only does our little home truly feel like home, but the vineyard amsterdam church family has come to really feel like family. We laugh together, complain together, tell stories together, pray and worship together, dream together. I feel so overwhelmed with thankfulness just thinking about them. 

So, all of this said, I leave for Ohio in 2 and half weeks for Christmas. The exact day I leave I will have been living in Amsterdam for 4 months. 4 months! I really can't decide if that seems short or long. Time has flown by, but so much has happened! And I feel different. At my core, I still feel like the Allie that arrived nearly 4 months ago, but there are pieces of me that I think have been lost while being here and there are things that are new about me. Some things about my worldview have changed. Sometimes I notice I speak in an accent/broken english to be more understood and am afraid this is going to stick. Sometimes I feel almost overwhelmed thinking about walking into a store like Target, or even a church like vineyard columbus, and claustrophobic imagining being in a car everyday. And just as shocking, I've become comfortable with being uncomfortable. I no longer panic at Albert Heijn, not knowing what kind of food I'm buying and I know to say "nee" when the cashier asks if I'd like a bag. I don't feel like a tourist when I do something dumb on my bike, rather just a sleepy student on Monday morning. I don't travel the city with a map any longer or have to always check tram/ train times. I am the proud owner of an Amsterdam OBA (public library) card, Museum card, video rental card, and last but not least a strange calculator-like machine used for Dutch online banking. And I no longer mind being in the middle of a conversation and being the only one that doesn't speak Dutch. or French. or German. or Greek. 

It's strange to suddenly realize that I'm different now. Almost four months have passed, and something about me is new. And I know that I'll never be the same. I've lost the ability to identify with one culture, which seems like a gift in fact. It's really a new identity being born and constantly changing as my life here develops. I'm excited to be in Ohio soon though, with people that are familiar and know me deeply (and have still chosen to love me deeply). I'm excited for it, but still wondering what it'll be like to transition back for only 10 days. To be my new self in my old home. 

So, anyways. Still just sitting here with Brooke, in our living room, typing away. Gezellig.

The manger.

I no longer have my collection of advent related books, devotionals, poems, prayers, etc. which is kind of sad right now. Well actually I still have them but they're hiding somewhere in my parents' basement. Luckily the following little piece I had saved on my computer. It really is incredible that God came to earth as a baby, and I think Bonhoeffer writes beautifully and simply about it's meaning for us. 

'Those Who Go to the Manger Will Be Transformed'
Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"If God chooses Mary as his instrument, if God himself wants to come into this world in the manger at Bethlehem, that is no idyllic family affair, but the beginning of a complete turnaround, a reordering of everything on the earth. If we wish to take part in this Advent and Christmas event, then we cannot simply be bystanders or onlookers, as if we were at the theater, enjoying all the cheerful images. No, we ourselves are swept up into the action there, into this conversion of all things. We have to play our part too on this stage, for the spectator is already an actor. We cannot withdraw.
What part, then, do we play? Pious shepherds, on bended knee? Kings who come bearing gifts? What sort of play is this, where Mary becomes the mother of God? Where God enters the world in the lowliness of the manger?
The judgment of the world and its redemption - that is taking place here. And the Christ child in the manger is himself the one who prounounces the judgment and redemption of the world. He repels the great and the powerful. He puts down the might from their thrones, he humbles the arrogant, his arm overpowers all the proud and the strong, he raises what is lowly and makes it great and splendid in his compassion.
Therefore we cannot approach his manger as if it were the cradle of any other child. Those who wish to come to his manger find that something is happening within them."

"Even as fire when used leaves a mark on a man's body, so words of Torah when used leave a mark on the body. Fire: they who work with it are readily distinguishable from other mortals. So, too - by their walk, by their speech, by their garments in the marketplace - disciples of the wise are just as readily distinguishable."

Just thinking about this today. I want my life to be marked by scripture. I want to be smelly with the truth, and my hands stained with the words of Jesus as someone working with fire would smell like smoke and have hands stained by soot. I want the living word of God to be more alive in me and to impact my very being in a greater way.

Also, I'm in a class right now that focuses on professionalism and governance and "dealing with turbulent urban settings". It's really interesting and we're getting to look at a ton of case studies, but we're also looking at failed initiatives. There've been a lot of people with good ideas and good intentions to truly change circumstances for some of the most marginalized people in the world, but for some reason they end up making a bigger mess. In fact, my teacher made sure to remind us last week that "just because we're lefty and compassionate doesn't mean we won't f*** something up." Shoot. 

So, anyways, I'm again feeling overwhelmed with the need in the world and reminded of how small I am. I'm overwhelmed with the difficulty to truly change circumstances in education and housing projects due to the bureaucracy of policy. I'm overwhelmed with the amount of theory and research to consider, and to sit around with followers of Bourdieu and Weber and Durkheim, knowing that saying I follow Jesus has no credibility with most. I'm overwhelmed with feeling like I have no answers...for anything. Which leads me back to the quote at the top. I need the truth of scripture to mark my life in a greater way, and the hope and wisdom found in it to become my very being. That really seems like the only answer; to soak in the Truth.

Excitement! (volume 1)

About a month ago I started listening to Christmas music. Not the cheesy classics, but the winter-themed (and Christ-themed!) songs with indie music credibility. I made sure to warn Brooke just in case she was someone that was annoyed by a premature jump into the holidays (which she's not!). I also was thrilled to see that the Christmas lights were beginning to be hung about three weeks ago all over the city of Amsterdam. I guess when there aren't single-family homes to privately decorate, the city takes over! Nearly every street has a little something. Now this past weekend I was able to partake in the arrival of Sinterklaas to Antwerp! He came to Amsterdam the next day, but I chose to sleep instead. I seriously felt like a 6 year old! I waited on the dock with several other 20something friends and was noticeably excited to see Sinterklaas' steamboat pull around the corner. Kind of embarrassing, but I didn't seem to care. I was made fun of on several occasions for the amount of videotaping I was doing, but I just loved the whole experience! And it also happened that Sinterklaas was late to Antwerp, which I secretly enjoyed! All the kids (and some others...) anxiously awaited his arrival and kept singing Sinterklaas songs and eating waffles to pass the time.

Typically for me, the holidays are a more thought provoking, sort of meditation on the previous year in light of Christ's arrival to earth. I really do hope for some of that this year, but what a thrill to be so excited for something so silly! It's fun to be innocent and expectant moreso than usual, and we actually were commissioned to be like children, right? I definitely feel like a kid right now. Here are some pictures from the Sinterklaas extravaganza, because I've realized pictures make my blog so much more attractive.

And by the way...my brother's getting MARRIED! I'm not sure if it's a secret, but I'm really really excited! It'll be in April or May I guess (which means a trip to Iceland very soon!) Here's a picture of Drew and Sola, just because.

oh, worldviews

No matter my opinion of him, I feel bad for Alan Greenspan. Did he cause the ever continuing economic crisis that is now international? I really don't know, but probably wouldn't blame one man. However anyone that at 82 years old has to confess to the world that their entire worldview may be wrong, I ache a little for. Who would want to discover that their entire purpose, their job, their ideology might in fact be erroneous and is actually negatively affecting millions of people? MAN. Will all objectivists now see the light? Can I say that on my own blog without sounding like a weirdo or being completely offensive? I'm not sure. Now I'm rambling. 

So it's been an adventure with my bike this week!

First, somehow I've begun a trend of completely forgetting to lock it when I get somewhere. This is a bad habit for many reasons, but especially because it ends with me emptying out my purse trying to find my bike keys and looking for nearly ten minutes before I realize they're still in my lock. I'm not sure which I'm more thankful for...not having my bike stolen, or not having actually lost my bike keys. 

Also, for about 3 weeks it had been tricky to turn. In fact, sometimes my front wheel wouldn't even turn so I'd have to just shift my weight hoping my bike moved with me. But this week the front of my bike started making an awful squeaking sound any time I got on. Mostly out of embarrassment I decided it was time to get fixed. Luckily, there was a sweet man at Waterlooplein who was able to fix it pretty cheapily. I guess I was missing some piece on the handlebars...which proved to be a necessity.

So yesterday with a new and improved bike, I was riding home from class listening to my Ipod, feeling really peaceful and enjoying the few minutes of sunshine. There was a guy in front of me on the road, and I had the choice to either pass him or slow down and just ride behind...so enjoying the peacefulness of the ride I decided I'd just slow down a bit. But at the same time, he stopped completely. Next thing I knew I was practically on top of him. I'm not really sure what's the best thing to do when you've just ran into a guy on his bike (who also happens to be good looking) and you have your ipod in and earmuffs on, so i just kept saying "sorry" which conveniently is also used by the Dutch and threw off my earmuffs and ipod to make sure he was okay. He awkwardly said he was, and not really knowing how to make conversation out of the situation, I just said "okay, good" or something similar and rode off. whoa! so embarrassing. 

I came home from the incident and decided to eat some lunch and sleep a bit. In the afternoon I headed to the Pickerill's to do some baking with Julia, Rachel, and Amanda. Yet again, same as in the morning...listening to my Ipod, wearing my earmuffs, enjoying the peaceful ride...and this time laughing to myself about what had happened in the morning. All of a sudden a construction guy is standing in the bikepath saying something to me. After about a minute of me removing things from my ears yet again and communicating that I don't know dutch, he asks if I'd ride on the tram path, as they're doing some work in the bike path. I'm thinking, "why not?". Literally 30 seconds later I'm laying in the middle of one of the biggest intersections in Amsterdam having slid several feet after slipping on the tram track. The tram tracks are infamous in Amsterdam, as nearly everyone takes a fall at least once due to getting a tire stuck. I guess after 3 months it was my time. Luckily I'm still alive as Leidseplein is also a main intersection for cars, taxis, busses, trams, pedestrians, and other bikes and scooters. 

Needless to say, my ego (and right leg) is a bit bruised. 

Besides all the bike craziness, I've had quite a busy week (and missed Brooke the past several days)! I stayed up until 8am for the election, which proved to be worth it after hearing the incredible speech our President-elect delivered (I cried for hours after)! I finished my first end-term paper (finally). I traveled to Brussels over the weekend (and ate lots of chocolate followed with beer). I visited the Bureau of Research and Statistics for the city of Amsterdam. I did a make-up presentation for the class I skipped due to still being awake at 8am the previous week. I ate nachos with Luke. I had a sleepover at the Pickerill's and greeted Brooke at the airport this morning. And tomorrow I'm heading to Antwerp for a class outing! I wish I could write entire blog entries about each of these things, but I just don't think I have it in me.

Starbucks at Schiphol!

Hard to tell, but it's the European Paliament in Brussels.

Rue Royal.

Parc de Bruxelles avec Anais

Grande Place in Bruxelles.

So, forgive me, I got caught up in the election last post and forgot I wanted to mention 2 other things...

1. Hilary Buchanan is a huge sweetheart! She's really great at making people feel loved, and I just adore her. But I checked my email this morning and found this...

It totally made my day. 

2. Amsterdam's Museumnacht is incredible! For one night 41 of Amsterdam's museums are open late with special exhibitions and performances. Brooke and I went with some friends to Artis and went on a late night zoo tour and to the aquarium! It was so fun. A really nice fall night with lots of warme chocomel. Granted we only ended up at the zoo tour by accident, being confused first time Museumnachters with a small understanding of Dutch. We did see a lot of animals lit by flashlight though! But the aquarium was beautiful. So many exotic, colorful fish in lots of different spaces. Incredible!

Then we checked out the Portuguese Synagogue (which I didn't even know existed). It doesn't have any electricity so it was lit entirely by candlelight. It was beautiful! The synagogue was much simpler than cathedrals I've seen, and I really liked it. Beautiful wooden ceiling and big, silver colored windows. We got there right before midnight as a small men's choir was preparing to sing. The voices, the candlelight, the people, the architecture...it was amazing. 

Unfortunately, we didn't make it to the Rijks in time to see the much talked about Damien Hirst diamond skull, but that can be for another time.

So close!

Tomorrow's election day! It's about now that I wish I still had my "I wish I could vote everyday but I'll settle for Nov. 2nd" shirt, except I'd have to write in Nov. 4th of course. I'm excited! It's been a gift to be somewhat separated from all the ugliness and any division the race has caused, and also to realize how important this is to the entire world. I've been invited to about 5 different election watching parties, hosted mostly by non-Americans. The whole world is watching! In fact, my friend Pamela from Quebec said she couldn't sleep last night and was in tears about the possibilities before Americans with this one election. I've also been given permission to miss class on Wednesday morning as my professor believes this is an historic event. 

So, I have no intention of making this a political blog, but as important as this is to internationals, I hope Americans see it as even more important. And if you're the praying kind, I hope you've been asking for direction in your convictions. 

Perhaps it's from studying social policy for the past few months, or watching the shock and awe in people's expressions when I describe the condition of poor neighborhoods in the US (and it's not just the scandinavians!) but I hope for and really do trust there will be reform of our welfare system over the next 4 years. I admit I might have socialist tendencies, though not the radical kind that we probably should be fearful. But the kind that is willing to pay a little more so inner city kids can have the same education as those in the mostly white burbs, and so the poor aren't continually losing in the process of urban renewal, and so people that can't get jobs with benefits are able to still afford to go to the doctor, or bring a baby into the world for that matter. 

I understand as people that follow Jesus there is no candidate that represents the Kingdom of God fully because we do in fact only have ONE savior. I also know that everyone has different convictions about how to best love our communities and our world...but sharing resources and breaking down the rich v. poor that's sadly made the U.S. infamous around the world is definitely one of mine. Of course, I don't think one policy change or newly elected official will make a complete difference, but I think it's wise to at least vote in that direction.

So whatever your convictions, I pray today that they're in you because of what the Lord is doing, not because of what ads are saying, or your parents think, or what you THINK you should care about. Make it between you and the Lord, and be excited to express yourself tomorrow!

Happy E-Day!

Wanting life in every word.

I started to realize this week that I wasn't loving as deeply as I usually do, that my passion for the kingdom come was a little blase, that I was going through the motions. And as having a cold heart is one of my greatest fears, I got scared. It's interesting that at the moment of this realization, immediately all the things that I should do to correct it went through my head. So after reading my favorite short stories, listening to the most inspiring albums, attempting to sleep it off, then surrounding myself with friends I realized even my most favorite things in life don't actually make me alive. Bummer.

So (and I'm ashamed to admit that this was my 5th choice) I sat before God disappointed that I couldn't resurrect my icy heart. I complained, I confessed my inability to solve the problem, I pleaded for renewal. And as I sat in the presence of God I knew there was hope. It's really unexplainable, as nearly anyone that's been in this place before would agree...but I had a revelation. That as I was longing for a soft, heart of flesh, I was actually longing for more of Jesus. "I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh." He's the only giver of life, the conqueror of death. How simple, right?

It's strange to always find myself back in this spot. Relearning simple lessons and on recovery from numbness, or doubt, or pride, or lust, or greed, or...and back in the presence of the Lord. I'm thankful. I'm thankful that I have a savior that desires to give me freedom, express His grace, make me fully alive. I'm thankful that the deeper I'm drawn into God's presence the more visible His Kingdom of hope is in my small world, and the more I feel my heart aligning with His in my ache for expression of redemption the world over.

Really, that's it. I'm just a very thankful girl, rambling on in her blog.

I love these! The colors are great. I bet I could make a decent replica...

I promise, dear readers, that I will write something expressive and insightful sooner or later. However, looking online at hairbands at midnight is actually quite normal for me. Sometimes my life isn't as thrilling as I'd wish it would sound in my blog.

But Brooke and I did spend the day with Tiffany yesterday, exploring her hometown and learning about clogs, windmills, and cheese! She's absolutely one of the most thoughtful people I've ever met. She's always anticipating what people might need (or want, or think, or feel). I want to be more like her! She's one of those people that makes you want to love people better by the way you feel loved by her. And as I kept thanking she and her parents for the invitation for the afternoon and expressing how wonderful it was to be in someone's home, I realized the power in an invitation and the experience of hospitality. It's hard to feel more loved than when someone goes out of their way to include you in a meal, just to be with you and to share in life with you. Which is something I've been learning a lot lately...and I think will have to be the topic of my next post. Tonight I need to sleep.

Autumn!

Here are a few scenes from past Octobers (and a few Novembers)...and a few recent ones!

It's fun to curl up and look at old photos.

Somehow everyone in the city of Amsterdam is sick. Well, that may be an overstatement...but a LOT of people. And now I am too. I knew it would come, as my whole life I've managed to get everything going around and I have never been able to consistently take a multi-vitamin. Nothing involving moving or interacting sounds fun, so I've spent the past two hours reading opinion columns from New York Times and browsing through craft blogs (how great is this site?! www.papernstitch.com). Now I feel a balloon of inspiration inside of me, but not the energy to actually produce anything from it. Boo. 

I'm hoping I feel better by 6 tonight, because it's the Amsterdam International Film Festival and there's a documentary on jump rope competitions that I'd like to see. Gael Garcia Bernal has also directed a film that will be showing at 10 tonight that I was thrilled to see only hours ago, but now feel that 10 is way past my (I'm sick and need to rest) bedtime. 

In other news, we had an amazing dessert party Wednesday. Sara and I made tiramisu and Julia and Rachel mastered vegan brownies amongst other things. This Friday we'll practice our party planning once again as Brooke and I host a party in honor of Julia's birthday! We're inviting nearly everyone we know that lives in Amsterdam (and the surrounding areas). It should be fun!

First, I’m writing as procrastination. Just to be honest.

Also, I’m feeling a bit homesick this week. It’s always a fleeting feeling as I absolutely love being in Amsterdam and feel there’s nowhere else I’m supposed to be right now, but it’s painful when it strikes. It’s kind of an achy feeling for the familiar and for people that love me so well.

But with that said, I feel so grateful for the friends I have here too. People that I hardly know that are beginning to feel like family. I was able to have heartfelt conversations with Hilary, Sara, Sirpa, and Rachel this week about our families, about our pasts, about being away from home, about faith, about our dreams. It’s exciting when friendships go the step beyond meeting for coffee or beer and talking about common interests…or schoolwork.

It’s a gift to worship with the Utrecht Vineyard folks here too. They have been incredibly warm to us and so generous. I’m excited to see what the Lord does, and what comes out of, our two groups becoming one.

So, as a bike has become my main mode of transportation I no longer go on “rides”. But there’s still something great about riding at night. As it’s getting darker earlier and earlier, I’m now finding myself riding around at night just going to and from places…to my excitement! There’s nothing quite like quiet streets, moonlight, and bikes. It’s likely that rain would change my opinion, but I’m trying to stay positive.

People have been asking if Amsterdam has fall, and what it's like. Well, Amsterdam definitely has fall...it just isn't quite as distinct as in Ohio. Nevertheless, the leaves still change color, the air still is crisp, the sky is still bright bright blue. The season looks good on Amsterdam. I'll try to take some pictures to share!

On that note, another random piece of information: I deeply believe that music is made for seasons. And fall has some of the greatest music! Anything with a banjo or finger-picking usually satisfies. I’ve also been listening to a lot of my dear friend Blake’s music (who is working on a new album!) and whom I am now shamelessly plugging. www.myspace.com/blakeskidmore. He’s talented. Give a listen! So, he might actually think his music is more winter, in which I’m sorry Blake for overstepping.

 

Thanks friends for reading what I write. For doing life with me from abroad!

My creativity hasn't been at its prime lately, and hence no inspiration for a blog post. I think this is due to excessive reading of scholarly literature. My head is not only full of information, but a mess of what we'd call "elastic" words. Terms that people stretch to fit whatever point they're trying to make. Words many of us don't really understand but still choose to use in daily conversation. Globalization, individualization v. individualism, social capital, social cohesion and integration, and on and on. It's interesting to read back to back articles regarding the same topic, yet written entirely different. I mean, there's no actual definition for the term social capital (you can even check wikipedia). And after reading other peoples' opinions on the people that tried to define it's opinions in nearly 7 different pieces of literature...it feels like a mean joke. I think this is what I signed up for though. And oddly enough, in a few hours after I recover from theoretical overload, I realize that I absolutely love the messiness of trying to figure out our world.

 

And on that note...

My wonderful friend Sara had some people from our program over for dinner last week. She prepared some yummy food and we all enjoyed drinks besides the typical mid-class coffee. Here are some photos:

   Henning and Pamela

Me and Sara

  Hanging out

   Me and Reuben, being slightly awkward

Not my words.

So, pieces of this have been in my head for several weeks and I decided I'd publish it in case there are still people out there that haven't discovered the brilliance of Wendell Berry. Oh, I think this piece is beautiful! and the closing remark, "practice resurrection", once gave me simple words to describe my role in the Kingdom. 

Eat it up!

THE MAD FARMER LIBERATION FRONT

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion -- put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

And will I be invited to the sound?

I had a conversation with a friend today on the Kingdom of God, and what it means when heaven breaks in on earth. This was just a piece of our discussion, but it got me thinking. I didn't have words at first to describe it in it's fullness, that it isn't just things being better than they are now, but actually completely made new. Yet, when someone that's hungry is fed, or is sick and is healed...that's part of the kingdom coming too. Perhaps it's my habit of talking rapidly when I'm passionate about something...but I felt like I was talking and talking, but not getting to the point. And as two people that are tired of religion, I was disappointed that the explanations that came to mind still were slightly bathed in religious jargin. Some of my favorite ways to imagine the kingdom come, as poetic as they might be, are extremely esoteric. And how available the Kingdom of God is! 

Even in my explanation of this conversation, I'm not sure of my point (perhaps to hear your insight!). But it was powerful today, as messy as it was. 

An exhaustive update on the past several days...

The weeks here are flying. I feel like I get caught up on life, take a breath, and it's already the weekend again! My days are filled with class, reading at the library between class, reading at my house after class, and winding down with friends (including my delightful roommate) at night. I'm still adjusting to having the majority of my schoolwork be outside of the classroom, and am constantly fighting to stay motivated. There's just so much to take in in a new place!

Truly though, my classes are wonderful! I feel so privileged to be studying alongside people with all different worldviews and backgrounds. And I'm really learning about the history of the Netherlands and the issues facing the Dutch people today, as most of my professors have done a majority of their research here. I feel like I'm beginning to understand the new world around me!

Some days are a bit overwhelming though. It's funny that being a sociologist, you aren't meant to solve problems really, just ask questions in order that other people can potentially solve the problems. But I ache for an answer at times! I know problems like migration of women from the third world to the first world, and the integration of Muslims in Amsterdam, and the individualization (not individualism...) in western societies don't have easy answers, but the more my hope is buried by questions, the more frustrated I sometimes become. But I think that's an okay response...?

So, when not analyzing the world, I've really been enjoying my time with new friends! My fellow "SPSW" students are becoming a little community, and I'm loving it! We got together last weekend, and have a dinner party coming up this week. It's great to spend time together outside of class, and not in the queue for coffee.

Sunday I took a day trip with Hillary and Anais to Utrecht to see a new part of Holland. I kept hearing it was "just like Amsterdam but smaller", but it really had it's own distinct flavor. A quaint town with tons of shops (closed on Sunday of course) and a great museum! And the road along the main canal was gorgeous. There also happened to be a festival going on, so we got to partake in an opera performance on the canal! We kept saying how perfect of a day it was...really relaxing, beautiful weather, surprise opera performance...on and on and on.

Really, Amsterdam is beginning to feel normal to me...and I'm beginning to be normal in Amsterdam. I'm continuing to pray that I'm seeing what God's seeing, and how he's moving. And now that it's officially been a month since I've been here (!!) I'm asking the Lord what he'd have me do next...as I slowly begin coming out of the settling in stage. I'm praying for a greater gift of courage and boldness, to ask hard questions and to be more intentional. I'm also praying for humility, to really listen to other people regardless if I agree with what they're saying. And that I learn to not be defensive, but still truth telling. It's quite the challenge!

As always, thanks for your love!

Oh, and one more bit of normalcy! Brooke and I are off to see Bon Iver tonight! Even though I saw him just 2 months ago in Columbus, I couldn't pass it up. I'll report back...

Reflecting on September 11th, 2001 on September 12th, 2008

September 11th kind of came and went this year, which I presume is due to being abroad. But as I'm sitting this morning catching up on the news, the effect of september 11th is almost too much to bear. 

I'm reflecting on how painful it was for the American people. How real the event was, and how human both the hijackers and the victims were. How convinced a person must be to take the lives of thousands. 

But I'm also reflecting on our response to this as a nation. On the fear it's created, the mindset of us versus them. The videos of young soldiers in Iraq explaining that they don't know the difference between our presence in Iraq and in Afghanistan. The hype that a vice presidential candidate may or may not think we're fighting a holy war.

It's hard to separate the day itself from the response that we've had the last 7 years. And for me, I can't mourn one without the other. 

I liked what Jim Wallis wrote a few days after 9/11 and shared again yesterday...

But we can deny them their victory by refusing to submit to a world created in their image. Terrorism inflicts not only death and destruction but also emotional oppression to further its aims. We must not allow this terror to drive us away from being the people God has called us to be. We assert the vision of community, tolerance, compassion, justice, and the sacredness of human life, which lies at the heart of all our religious traditions.

"Refusing to submit to a world created in their image"...the real way to victory. To represent "the vision of community, tolerance, compassion, justice, and the sacredness of human life" not of violence and destruction. I'm praying today that as we're reminded of September 11th (on September 12th) that we're reminded of the lives we're to live in the Kingdom of God and choose to follow the way of Jesus rather than the way of this world.

That which is engineered.

For the other My Utmost for His Highest devotees, you'll already know about yesterday's little quip about worshipping in everyday occasions. He said something to the effect that to be ready for big things, or for crisis, or in order not to miss out on the fullness of what God would have for us, we should be doing that which is closest to us, which God has "engineered" into our lives. 

I've been praying for a while now (perhaps since I started following Jesus) that I'd see the world in light of the Kingdom. And typically I'd say that I am nearsighted, not seeing beyond what's in front of me...but in this text it seems that Chambers is commissioning us TO see what's right in front of us, but with different eyes. 

It's been a busy past couple of days as Brooke and I moved into our new little place (an exciting part of the moving to Amsterdam process!), we spent Saturday at Ikea (a store that is incredibly capable of furnishing an entire house...right down to a french press), enjoyed tapas with my new friends hilary and anais, wrote my first master's essay on what I view as the 3 biggest urban social problems today, have begun categorizing european welfare states according to their social policy regime and reading all authors that have ever had an opinion on this topic (luckily the amsterdam public library is delightful!), finally found school supplies on the top floor of a department store (with folders starting at 5 euro) after a week long search, had our first small group with some friends from the Utrecht Vineyard (which was a definite treat), and am now off to finally purchase some sort of carrier for my bike, explore the museums of amsterdam, and hopefully find a place to get my haircut before meeting up with friends for a live radio show tonight. 

With lots of new things going on, it's so easy to go from errand, to studying, to sleeping, to eating, to biking, to new friends...without ever pausing to see things in full. I'm praying I can continue to do what I'm doing (as I believe it HAS been engineered by God), but that I will see the kingdom in it. I want to see the mundane as purposeful, as life is purposeful and all of these little things culminate into life. 

and now i'm off to find phone minutes, as my cheap prepaid phone has just run out and there are several calls to make! 

thinking of you all today.

At rest

I've been in shock that it's been almost two weeks since I arrived in Amsterdam, and so much has happened already. The fact that I'm still sleeping on Eric and Julia's couch and not formally registered at UVA makes saying this surprise me even. I feel so thankful that I'm beginning to travel places around the city and not have to look at a map! And that I can make lunch plans with news friends, eventhough I have a cheap prepaid phone that I don't even know the number to! And that I'm learning patience with Dutch, and can decipher a menu with Brooke and not just order the same sandwich! And that I spent only 2 full days with the people in my orientation group, but somehow I feel like I've known some of them forever! It's funny that I'm completely unsettled and haven't even begun paperwork to legally live and study here, and the Lord has already begun moving. It's funny because I always assume there are things to accomplish before the Kingdom can begin moving. But there's still so much to do and I've already seen the Lord begin making things new! How exciting! 

Oh! And after a long week of orientation events and lots of getting to know you conversations, Menno (from Utrecht Vineyard) took the Pickerills, Brooke, and I sailing yesterday! It was such an adventure. And we all got to help out a bit. How much more peaceful can it get than being on a boat in the middle of the lake?

Here are some photos...

Orientation kids

With the Pickerill family in Amstel Park

Entry to Amstel Park

On the boat with Gigi

Relaxing

The New-to-me Amsterdam

Hoi dear friends! (dutch slang for hello)

My first post on my new blog. I considered reviving my livejournal (which I haven't posted on in 2 years) but chose to start fresh. I was even able to add a fun background picture to this one and feel rather accomplished already... without even having a post up yet. I'm hoping this will keep people in the know with what's going on in my life abroad and in the city of Amsterdam. Expect updates soon.