Wanting life in every word.

I started to realize this week that I wasn't loving as deeply as I usually do, that my passion for the kingdom come was a little blase, that I was going through the motions. And as having a cold heart is one of my greatest fears, I got scared. It's interesting that at the moment of this realization, immediately all the things that I should do to correct it went through my head. So after reading my favorite short stories, listening to the most inspiring albums, attempting to sleep it off, then surrounding myself with friends I realized even my most favorite things in life don't actually make me alive. Bummer.

So (and I'm ashamed to admit that this was my 5th choice) I sat before God disappointed that I couldn't resurrect my icy heart. I complained, I confessed my inability to solve the problem, I pleaded for renewal. And as I sat in the presence of God I knew there was hope. It's really unexplainable, as nearly anyone that's been in this place before would agree...but I had a revelation. That as I was longing for a soft, heart of flesh, I was actually longing for more of Jesus. "I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh." He's the only giver of life, the conqueror of death. How simple, right?

It's strange to always find myself back in this spot. Relearning simple lessons and on recovery from numbness, or doubt, or pride, or lust, or greed, or...and back in the presence of the Lord. I'm thankful. I'm thankful that I have a savior that desires to give me freedom, express His grace, make me fully alive. I'm thankful that the deeper I'm drawn into God's presence the more visible His Kingdom of hope is in my small world, and the more I feel my heart aligning with His in my ache for expression of redemption the world over.

Really, that's it. I'm just a very thankful girl, rambling on in her blog.

I love these! The colors are great. I bet I could make a decent replica...

I promise, dear readers, that I will write something expressive and insightful sooner or later. However, looking online at hairbands at midnight is actually quite normal for me. Sometimes my life isn't as thrilling as I'd wish it would sound in my blog.

But Brooke and I did spend the day with Tiffany yesterday, exploring her hometown and learning about clogs, windmills, and cheese! She's absolutely one of the most thoughtful people I've ever met. She's always anticipating what people might need (or want, or think, or feel). I want to be more like her! She's one of those people that makes you want to love people better by the way you feel loved by her. And as I kept thanking she and her parents for the invitation for the afternoon and expressing how wonderful it was to be in someone's home, I realized the power in an invitation and the experience of hospitality. It's hard to feel more loved than when someone goes out of their way to include you in a meal, just to be with you and to share in life with you. Which is something I've been learning a lot lately...and I think will have to be the topic of my next post. Tonight I need to sleep.

Autumn!

Here are a few scenes from past Octobers (and a few Novembers)...and a few recent ones!

It's fun to curl up and look at old photos.

Somehow everyone in the city of Amsterdam is sick. Well, that may be an overstatement...but a LOT of people. And now I am too. I knew it would come, as my whole life I've managed to get everything going around and I have never been able to consistently take a multi-vitamin. Nothing involving moving or interacting sounds fun, so I've spent the past two hours reading opinion columns from New York Times and browsing through craft blogs (how great is this site?! www.papernstitch.com). Now I feel a balloon of inspiration inside of me, but not the energy to actually produce anything from it. Boo. 

I'm hoping I feel better by 6 tonight, because it's the Amsterdam International Film Festival and there's a documentary on jump rope competitions that I'd like to see. Gael Garcia Bernal has also directed a film that will be showing at 10 tonight that I was thrilled to see only hours ago, but now feel that 10 is way past my (I'm sick and need to rest) bedtime. 

In other news, we had an amazing dessert party Wednesday. Sara and I made tiramisu and Julia and Rachel mastered vegan brownies amongst other things. This Friday we'll practice our party planning once again as Brooke and I host a party in honor of Julia's birthday! We're inviting nearly everyone we know that lives in Amsterdam (and the surrounding areas). It should be fun!

First, I’m writing as procrastination. Just to be honest.

Also, I’m feeling a bit homesick this week. It’s always a fleeting feeling as I absolutely love being in Amsterdam and feel there’s nowhere else I’m supposed to be right now, but it’s painful when it strikes. It’s kind of an achy feeling for the familiar and for people that love me so well.

But with that said, I feel so grateful for the friends I have here too. People that I hardly know that are beginning to feel like family. I was able to have heartfelt conversations with Hilary, Sara, Sirpa, and Rachel this week about our families, about our pasts, about being away from home, about faith, about our dreams. It’s exciting when friendships go the step beyond meeting for coffee or beer and talking about common interests…or schoolwork.

It’s a gift to worship with the Utrecht Vineyard folks here too. They have been incredibly warm to us and so generous. I’m excited to see what the Lord does, and what comes out of, our two groups becoming one.

So, as a bike has become my main mode of transportation I no longer go on “rides”. But there’s still something great about riding at night. As it’s getting darker earlier and earlier, I’m now finding myself riding around at night just going to and from places…to my excitement! There’s nothing quite like quiet streets, moonlight, and bikes. It’s likely that rain would change my opinion, but I’m trying to stay positive.

People have been asking if Amsterdam has fall, and what it's like. Well, Amsterdam definitely has fall...it just isn't quite as distinct as in Ohio. Nevertheless, the leaves still change color, the air still is crisp, the sky is still bright bright blue. The season looks good on Amsterdam. I'll try to take some pictures to share!

On that note, another random piece of information: I deeply believe that music is made for seasons. And fall has some of the greatest music! Anything with a banjo or finger-picking usually satisfies. I’ve also been listening to a lot of my dear friend Blake’s music (who is working on a new album!) and whom I am now shamelessly plugging. www.myspace.com/blakeskidmore. He’s talented. Give a listen! So, he might actually think his music is more winter, in which I’m sorry Blake for overstepping.

 

Thanks friends for reading what I write. For doing life with me from abroad!

My creativity hasn't been at its prime lately, and hence no inspiration for a blog post. I think this is due to excessive reading of scholarly literature. My head is not only full of information, but a mess of what we'd call "elastic" words. Terms that people stretch to fit whatever point they're trying to make. Words many of us don't really understand but still choose to use in daily conversation. Globalization, individualization v. individualism, social capital, social cohesion and integration, and on and on. It's interesting to read back to back articles regarding the same topic, yet written entirely different. I mean, there's no actual definition for the term social capital (you can even check wikipedia). And after reading other peoples' opinions on the people that tried to define it's opinions in nearly 7 different pieces of literature...it feels like a mean joke. I think this is what I signed up for though. And oddly enough, in a few hours after I recover from theoretical overload, I realize that I absolutely love the messiness of trying to figure out our world.

 

And on that note...

My wonderful friend Sara had some people from our program over for dinner last week. She prepared some yummy food and we all enjoyed drinks besides the typical mid-class coffee. Here are some photos:

   Henning and Pamela

Me and Sara

  Hanging out

   Me and Reuben, being slightly awkward