In Amsterdam

2010-04-28T18:07:00.000-07:00

The past two mornings I've woken up, happy, gone to drink coffee and read the news (a morning ritual) and within ten minutes wanted to scream.

Racist immigration laws in Arizona, the entire idea of the tea party and all of their shenanigans, an audience on Dr.Phil thinking sex offenders should be put on an island (which, I promise, I just happened to walk in on while my mom was watching). And, other things.

People are so quick to err on the side of protection than on trust or forgiveness. It's disgusting really. Yes, we should be careful and wise, but there has to be a way to also extend a hand of welcome and grace.

The most difficult part of all of this is when people that follow Jesus are involved. There is room for different ideas, different interpretations, etc...but the church is supposed to be the epitome of acceptance and forgiveness. It breaks my heart when we act otherwise.

I'm reminded of the rebuke from Jesus in Matthew 23, a beautiful way to check our own hearts and actions. It's not the nicest thing, but you can always count on him to say it like it is. Here are several parts that I think are especially pertinent. Woe to us for acting in Jesus' name in a way that he would not.

"They tie up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them."

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men's faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to."

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are."

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You devour widows' houses and for a show make lengthy prayers. Therefore you will be punished more severely."

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices-mint, dill, and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law-justice, mercy, and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel."

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean."

2010-04-22T17:56:00.000-07:00

I've spent several weeks reading and baking. Doing other things too, but mostly a lot of reading and baking. One of my most favorite things has been stealing my mom's library card and finding anything I can to eat up. I've read a lot of novels and memoirs and magazines and short stories and new york times opinion articles. But one thing I've really loved stealing (borrowing) is piles of collections of poems. I've always loved poetry, but more so lately. Sweetness. I love the way a person's words so much encompass the things you feel. I write poems sometimes, and I feel they don't even do my own feelings and thoughts the justice that other's seem to. A few pieces below from the most recent one, a collection from the brilliant Wendell Berry. Thank you, poets, for putting words to my soul.

GRACE

By Wendell Berry
(for Gurney Norman, quoting him)

The woods is shining this morning.
Red, gold and green, the leaves
lie on the ground, or fall,
or hang full of light in the air still.
Perfect in its rise and in its fall, it takes
the place it has been coming to forever.
It has not hastened here, or lagged.
See how surely it has sought itself,
its roots passing lordly through the earth.
See how without confusion it is
all that it is, and how flawless
its grace is. Running or walking, the way
is the same. Be still. Be still.
“He moves your bones, and the way is clear.”

EXCEPT

By Wendell Berry

Now that you have gone
and I am alone and quiet,
my contentment would be
complete, if I did not wish
you were here so I could say,
"How good it is, Tanya,
to be alone and quiet."

THE BROKEN GROUND

By Wendell Berry

The opening out and out,
body yielding body:
the breaking
through which the new
comes, perching
above its shadow
on the piling up
darkened broken old
husks of itself:
bud opening to flower
opening to fruit opening
to the sweet marrow
of the seed--
taken
from what was, from
what could have been.
What is left
is what is.

2010-04-03T10:29:00.000-07:00

It's really powerful to have a weekend of intentionally focusing on and celebrating the death and resurrection of Jesus; the pinnacle of our faith. We can't have the resurrection without the sacrificial death or the death without the resurrection...and so we put our hope in both. And we also celebrate all that was done. "Death is swallowed up in Victory".

But today is Saturday, the day nothing happened. I think Saturday represents my spiritual life most of the time. We live between death and resurrection, some days seeing victory and other days only defeat. Some days feeling alive, others dead. Some days feeling free, others bound. It's a really hard place to live. Usually I think about how the disciples must have felt on the Saturday, nearly a sense of betrayal that they had given their lives to someone they thought was God and then watched him be murdered by man. But really, I think we feel this a lot of the time too. I just read in the news that a high school senior died on spring break after falling off a balcony last night. It also happens that 10 years ago today a friend died the exact same way, in the exact same place. I'll have dinner with his sister tonight, and struggle for what to say. It's been 10 years, but still is fresh. I'm feeling confronted with the reality of living in "the day nothing happened". I believe in victory, but can't always see it.

I have hope that this is the way it's intended though. There's something in not always seeing, but believing. Something beautiful really. And then there are moments when the resurrection is undeniably clear, and I can't help but celebrate.

2010-03-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

Getting paid to play with kids is a dream. Here are some of the kids I got to spend time with this past year. I could go on for pages about how funny, sweet, brilliant, creative, and ornery they are...but I'll spare you.

And it's doubly amazing when their parents are great. Or when they listen to Beach House and have the new album for me to borrow! Which, speaking of, here's a little gift from la blogotheque...beautiful!

2010-02-18T01:36:00.000-08:00

And so it is, the start of lent. Time to recognize the gift of life we are given, that we are more than just bodies, or animals, or a momentary mistake. Somehow we've been given life, which encompasses the really good and the really bad, our creativity, our intelligence, our longings, our ability and desire to love and be loved. Amazing! And even more, that we're able to participate in whatever reason or purpose that this might be, to engage deeply with the reality of our humanness, to engage purposefully with the life-giver, and to engage hopefully with the people around us.

I want to press more into all of these. To figure out who I am and what I love even more, to more intimately experience God, and to love the people around me as well as I can. I have yet to determine a practical way to do this, such as something to sacrifice or focus on for 40 days...but I'm hoping offering this desire to the Lord will jumpstart my imagination!

I'm sure I've quoted him before but Thomas Kelly is pure genius, so here's a bit more.

"For the Eternal is urgently, actively breaking into time, working through those who are willing to be laid hold upon, to surrender self-confidence and self-centered effort, that is, self-originated effort, and let the Eternal be the dynamic guide in recreating, through us, our time-world."

and then he goes on to describe the hope for our lives to be "moving images of the Eternal Life" which is seriously beautiful.

2010-01-18T04:30:00.000-08:00

I have a deep, deep love for Martin Luther King Jr. Our hearts seem to be made of the same fabric. He's like a brother from another generation, place, race, etc., but I feel like one in the same sometimes. I mean, our hearts are similar of course...what we've actually achieved, well, I have a long way to go. I can only hope to be more like him, to have as much courage as I have heartache.

He made a statement about his opposition to the war in Vietnam in 1967 and had a brilliant explanation. Not only did he feel it was exploitation of the poor, but felt like as a follower of Jesus he had specific reasons he couldn't let it go on. He called the speech "Beyond Vietnam: A Time to Break Silence", and it's beautiful. He continues to be a prophet, 42 years after his death.

Here's a link. It's worth 22 minutes, I promise.

2009-12-02T00:52:00.001-08:00

I have no idea who this is, but I think these photos are breathtaking. Detroit breaks my heart.

"O God of unchangeable power and eternal light: Look favorably on your whole Church, that wonderful and sacred mystery; by the effectual working of your providence, carry out in tranquility the plan of salvation; let the whole world see and know that things which are cast down are being raised up, and things which had grown old are being made new, and that all things are being brought to their perfection by him through whom all things were made, your Son Jesus Christ our Lord; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen."

2009-11-29T13:08:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been having the same conversation over and over: the difficulty of living life with a mindset beyond ourselves. It's interesting though to discuss it with friends that are followers of Jesus, Muslims, and Agnostics alike. It's just so hard, for everyone, to remember that there is (or might be, for those still processing belief) anything beyond what we see, taste, and touch. When you're busy, you're focused on your busyness. When you're not, you're focused on yourself. (Maybe I'm speaking more for myself, but have grace for me while I make generalizations.) It seems too, that once we're reminded that there is, or might be, something more than our own worlds we wonder how we got by living so small before. Sadly, it seems to be a cycle, and we're always rediscovering what a life beyond our physical senses really looks like.

For this reason, I continue to appreciate the season of advent. It's precious to me to have an entire month of reflecting, in expectation, on the hope of the world. Advent reminds me that there's more than daily tasks and obligations, even more than my relationships with people and nonsensical emotions. It reminds me that all of this is real and matters, but only in light of the importance and reality of the grand story being told. Luckily, the meta-narrative is one of nothing but hope for the world. And for my own soul, which is beautiful to remember.

Last night Brooke and I were decorating our apartment for Christmas and listening to Christmas music. I was being somewhat pretentious and ranting about how I can't appreciate didactic art, sadly including a large chunk of Christian music. When it becomes informative, it loses its authenticity for me. Either way, that's not the point...The point is that during this conversation one of my favorite Christmas songs from last year came on. It's a silly pop song about fir trees and presents, and not meant to be worship at all, I don't think, except that the people making it love Jesus. But one of the lines is "He landed on the earth all wrapped in skin, and they're the only ones to find him". To me, this communicates the gift of God as human, and the importance of his birth in such a beautiful way. God actually came to earth, as a baby! And this baby happened to be the one that Yahweh would give the majesty of his name. It's incredible, and hope-filled, and reminds me to live beyond myself.

Isaiah 11

¹ A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse;
from his roots a Branch will bear fruit.

² The Spirit of the LORD will rest on him—
the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding,
the Spirit of counsel and of might,
the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the LORD—

³ and he will delight in the fear of the LORD.
He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes,
or decide by what he hears with his ears;

⁴ but with righteousness he will judge the needy,
with justice he will give decisions for the poor of the earth.
He will strike the earth with the rod of his mouth;
with the breath of his lips he will slay the wicked.

⁵ Righteousness will be his belt
and faithfulness the sash around his waist.

⁶ The wolf will live with the lamb,
the leopard will lie down with the goat,
the calf and the lion and the yearling ^a]">[a] together;
and a little child will lead them.

⁷ The cow will feed with the bear,
their young will lie down together,
and the lion will eat straw like the ox.

⁸ Infants will play near the hole of the cobra;
young children will put their hands into the viper's nest.

⁹ They will neither harm nor destroy
on all my holy mountain,
for the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the LORD
as the waters cover the sea.

¹⁰ In that day the Root of Jesse will stand as a banner for the peoples; the nations will rally to him, and his resting place will be glorious.

2009-11-25T08:02:00.000-08:00

I'm a really thankful girl, and feel in light of thanksgiving I should share. Most days I think if I deserve anything based on my character or actions, it's a slap in the face. Yet somehow I'm consistently provided for, and forgiven, and loved beyond reason.

Of course I'm thankful for nighttime bike rides, and tube lights, and getting caught in the rain, and new music, and chocolate, and colorful earrings, and puzzles. But even more so, I'm thankful for the people in my life. How wonderful to not only have a family that supports me and cares for me and loves me across the ocean, but to also have a family here. Notably, I remember two years ago and continue to be thankful for Joe's life, and also remember 21 years ago when I prayed for a sister and am so thankful for Sola. I really could go on and on.

I've been feeling especially thankful lately that I am always learning and growing. I'm thankful that I'm given the opportunity to be challenged, to risk, to fail, to change. Also I think of Orwell's words that "People with empty bellies never despair of the universe, nor even think about the universe, for that matter" and am grateful to be provided for so well physically that I can spend time learning about and processing issues of the world. Or even process the issues of my heart and my dreams.

So, thankfulness abounds! I wish I could go on, but I'm off to bake pies.

2009-11-23T14:28:00.000-08:00

So, is there anything better than surfy, lo-fi music paired with a dance scene from a 1960s film? Brilliant.

2009-11-20T07:44:00.000-08:00

I love this movie poster. And this movie. And sometimes I feel very much like Charlotte. Where is Bill Murray when you need him?

And remember how great this song is in the movie? Well, this is a demo actually...but still amazing.

I'm joining in the fun.

2009-11-13T04:27:00.000-08:00

Here's the idea:

1. Write down sensory memories from childhood/life. smell, touch, sight, hearing, taste 2. Think about sayings you heard often/ lyrics from songs, like... "don't let the bed bugs bite" "safely in his bosom gather" 3. Think about things you smelled, food, mom's perfume, or the feeling of a family blanket 4. Write the senses down, don't explain them, but be detailed. Don't just say, "I am from dad saying " I love you more than the stars" say instead "I am from "I love you more than the stars." 5. Put "I am from" before your memories. List some together.

I am from...

I am from tummy rubs and sweetheart of Sigma Chi

I am from bear country and scotch soaked ice cubes

I am from Grant Boulevard, bases loaded, and who can be the quietest

I am from Allie-booly and blue floral dresses

I am from tractors in the snow and thriller on tape

I am from nowIlaymes and goodnight light and the red balloon

I am from superman ice cream, indian vests, and shrimp coming out of my ears

I am from a single with cheese and the first avenue pool

I am from well water, swingsets, and corn on the cob

I am from deer hunts and when the lights go down in the city

I am from root beer floats and shuffle ball changes

I am from dance magic dance and pigs in a blanket

I am from Michigan rummy, cherry bombs, and everyone makes mistakes

I am from homemade dress up and breakfast for dinner

I am from little hugs and emory adams

I am from pedal to the metal, cover girl, and Chrissy MacGyver

I am from TGIF and TCBY

I am from spearmint gum and soap foam beards

I am from air guitar, knives, and three little fishies in an itty bitty pool

2009-11-13T04:13:00.000-08:00

I'm reading Profit Over People by Noam Chomsky right now. He's so controversial, right? I really don't have a strong opinion about him either way. I had a friend in college that really loved him, and even dressed up like him on Halloween once. But I don't feel that way. I do however think learning as much about neo-liberalism as possible is an excellent idea at such a time like this. I don't believe humans are going to find the solutions to the problems of the world, but shouldn't we, in the name of love, help prevent suffering as much as possible?

So, anyways, I'm reading Profit Over People and both love it and hate it. I love that I'm learning so much and have an insight into politics and social change from a perspective not held by many. But I hate that it exposes the misdeeds and greed of people I want to be able to trust. Remember when you didn't know anything about politics, when you were say 8 years old? I remember it well. Because I cried when George H.W. Bush left the White House. He had been President my whole life and I was sad it was no more. I was so ignorant and innocent, and loved him deeply for no reason but that he was my President and I thought it was really special. Oh, and I loved Barbara and her amazing white hair too. Seriously, ignorance is bliss sometimes.

I have no real life application or anything, only noting that learning is wonderful, but sometimes I just want to pretend I don't know anything at all.

2009-11-10T03:40:00.000-08:00

Slowly the evening changes into the clothes

held for it by a row of ancient trees;

you look: and two worlds grow separate from you,

one ascending to heaven, another, that falls;

and leave you, belonging not wholly to either one,

not quite as dark as the house that remains silent,

not quite as certainly sworn to eternity

as that which becomes star each night and rises--

and leave you (unsayably to disentangle) your life

with all its immensity and fear and great ripening,

so that, all but bounded, all but understood,

it is by turns stone in you and star.

-"Evening" by Rainer Maria Rilke.

2009-11-09T02:56:00.000-08:00

I have found amazing new music in some of the most brilliant pairings.

For the new Twilight soundtrack Bon Iver and St. Vincent teamed up for a little something.Seriously, this is a dream come true. And the music they make together is beautiful. Perhapsthis will spark some sort of future collaboration? May it be so.

Bon Iver & St. Vincent - Roslyn

And then Grizzly Bear joined the London Symphony Orchestra (or did the LSO join Grizzly Bear?) for a Halloween performance. The individuals that sacrificed possible expulsion from the show and awkward confrontations with security guards in order to post something on youtube, you have my gratitude today.

2009-11-02T04:05:00.000-08:00

As people, by nature, we're strange. And thus our interactions and relationships with other people are equally as strange . And even more, our experiences with other people that we don't know are even stranger. Granted, sometimes our days go by relatively free of weird interactions, but those tend to be the days that we spend the majority of our time alone. Right?

Luckily, I really enjoy taking note of awkward moments. Today's being the presence of overly sexual music in a cafe.

Have you ever experienced trying to read while listening to "sexual healing"? I have. It's difficult, because the song is just so catchy. It's almost painful not to sing along or dance, but you can't because you're in a cafe...surrounded by people you don't know, though who most likely are also singing Marvin Gaye in their own heads and definitely tapping their feet. And then you think of the words to the song going through everyone's heads in the cafe ("I'm hot just like an oven...") and try terribly hard not to make eye contact with the older man across the table. The tension in the room is hilarious.

I suppose, following closely behind in awkwardness is the absence of music in a cafe. It's hard to win.

2009-10-25T08:26:00.000-07:00

I'm reminded of how fleeting life is. Especially after hearing about a dear friend's friend, a wife and mother, who died this weekend. And as I watch from across the ocean as a dear friend to our family is intensely battling terminal cancer. Sometimes it's too much. The morbid reality that we'll all die, sometime, somehow. That everyone we love and every person we interact with will also die.

I initially have the tendency to want to withdraw when I think about it, to give people less. I think it's mostly out of self-preservation, really. But then I also have the thought of wanting to give my life away more if it's so fleeting. To offer people more of myself, to love more deeply. The confrontation with death makes me scared to not live or love enough.

Several years ago after experiencing the deaths of friends, I became incredibly frustrated at the state of my life; that I couldn't manage to be alive enough. I couldn't experience things as fully as I wanted to, or enjoy something deeply enough, or purely love someone, or feel free from expectations from myself and others. I had the feeling of being trapped. I felt that death wasn't natural, and that a full life was somehow possible but I for some reason was incapable of having it. It's beautiful, though incredibly painful, that death causes us to consider the reality of our own lives. Are we really alive...fully?

There's of course a lot more I feel I could say. And as I continue to be confronted with death, I still have the experience of aching to fully live. But I have hope now. I have hope that the god i put my faith into has offered full life to me, that it's available. Now I just hope that in every interaction with someone, in every minute of my day I continue to choose life.

¹⁶ And I command you today: Love God, your God. Walk in his ways. Keep his commandments, regulations, and rules so that you will live, really live, live exuberantly, blessed by God, your God, in the land you are about to enter and possess.

^17-18 But I warn you: If you have a change of heart, refuse to listen obediently, and willfully go off to serve and worship other gods, you will most certainly die. You won't last long in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess.

^19-20 I call Heaven and Earth to witness against you today: I place before you Life and Death, Blessing and Curse. Choose life so that you and your children will live. And love God, your God, listening obediently to him, firmly embracing him. Oh yes, he is life itself, a long life settled on the soil that God, your God, promised to give your ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

2009-10-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

Sufjan Stevens is both an indie music god, and the man of my dreams (well, probably not but he does seem equally talented, nice, and a bit strange...which I like). He'd supposedly dropped music for writing recently, which has proved to be a big joke considering he's been doing a small tour and has an album coming out next Tuesday. Anyways, I forgot how great he is until I spotted Avalanche at the library today on the shelf of CDs to be put away and remembered! Here's a taste.

Everything is lost--uh oh!

Still I know that you can take it to the Lord

(All that he has given to the world)

2009-10-13T05:10:00.000-07:00

I visited the IND of the Netherlands today. After leaving the office I made use of my train transfer at Schiphol to drink starbucks, enjoy the brilliance of airports and just be for a little bit. The appointment was easy enough really. And my last minute passport photo at Centraal met the strict requirements, luckily. At the end of the meeting the sweet woman helping me explained the new sticker in my passport, and finished by pointing out that the year of its validity begins TODAY. Meaning in one year from 13 October, I better be leaving. It's strange to have such a temporary mindset. Or, rather a temporary life and the prayer that my mindset is much different.

It's interesting to think in terms of having one year in Amsterdam. And having absolutely no idea what's in store, or hardly the ability to process what I want to be in store. I feel this year and the past are precious years, and vital in forming who I'm to become. This past year has changed my heart and mind (though I suppose change is not correct, but challenged and pressed and grew) in less tangible ways than new habits or hobbies. But I feel it's been incredibly more valuable than those things we see and touch and typically measure how we're changing and developing as people.

I've grown in awareness of myself in a way that has allowed me to see and confront issues of my heart and soul more deeply than before. Which has been both painful and good.

I've also expanded my perception of friendship to include people so unlike myself and found a fullness and joy that I hadn't experienced before. This has proven to not only be the less comfortable choice, but also the one that challenges our own motives of love and friendship; making me at times come to terms with how self-seeking I can be. Again, both painful and good.

I've also discussed Jesus with people that really don't care. The spectrum is great. Some people don't care because they're apathetic (which is sometimes appealing, really) and others feel they've grown past any need for a savior or faith for a God. But I've discovered that somehow Jesus has something for all of us no matter our philosophical or theological views on life and society. I've been reminded that he redeems people in order to redeem the world, and truly loves us regardless of how sure we are of his existence.

At times I feel like my life has unfolded during my year (and will probably say years next year at this time) in Amsterdam. Growth is scary in a way. But I do have hope that in whatever ways growth creates mess, however painful it is, it is very very good.

And, anyways, I hope for more this next year.

2009-10-10T05:25:00.001-07:00

Do you ever have days (or, lifetimes) where everything seems utterly hopeless? I do. Not right at this moment, but the other day was one of those. I mean, has there ever been an initiative or revolution or policy that's truly bettered the position of mankind? Okay, I take that back. Considering as writing it I thought of several (notably non-violent movements like the US civil rights, the Indian independence movement, etc). But not nearly enough as you'd hope for!

It's a lot to think about (or worry about) and have hope for (and also the compassion). In our own small worlds alone we're surrounded by people who have tremendous need for love and healing. And then if you consider our neighborhoods, churches, cities, and the world. I, and I imagine most of you, don't want to be someone that knows about violence in inner cities all over the world, but separates myself from it to pretend it isn't there. Or who hears about war and starvation and decides to read the news less to avoid any sort of responsibility. But sometimes it just feels like too much.

We're contaminating our earth and our bodies, we are incapable of moving past violent wars in order to solve conflict, the gap between the wealthy and poor continues to grow, women continue to earn less than men and have less rights globally, people groups are constantly becoming the source of marginalization (if it's not for color it's because of religion, or ethnicity, or social economic standing). And even more, somehow it all connects. It's all cyclical. Which makes any sort of light extremely dim.

In all honesty, how do people have faith that it can get better? Especially when I can barely think past myself on most days. There could have been a lot of answers to our mess, but Jesus was such a good one. God was brilliant again and sent a Savior to redeem it all. If it wasn't for that victory, I don't think I could find strength to hope for anything more than the reality of today. How could I? The mess inside me alone needs a whole lot of redemption.

2009-10-06T04:19:00.000-07:00

I realized several years ago that I'm terrified to create. Anything, really. It can be art, or writing, or music, or schoolwork, or new initiatives. I feel sick just thinking about being the main creative element in anything. I'm okay with having ideas and smartly passing them onto someone else, but having to bear the responsibility of the expression and responses of others is something I'd rather do without.

I felt sad at this discovery (as I love both art and academia), but accepted that perhaps I'm not cut out for it. Years later though, and after being convinced ceaselessly that we were all created to be creators, I have hope that I can have a place in it all. I feel convinced that it's not the Lord's choosing for me to be unable to create while others have all the fun, but instead my aversion to the vulnerability required to do so.

Creating is truly vulnerable. You put something out there, which often requires much of your heart and deep expression of you as a person, and it somehow affects the world and people around you. Even more, in whichever way you express yourself, the moment it's created it's no longer just yours, and everyone else can have their input. Yes, I have fear of criticism and rejection, which I like to assume most other humans do as well, but even positive recognition is a bit terrifying. I think positive interest is more appealing than negative (obviously, perhaps), but I'd prefer no one to take an interest at all. There's safety in being just another person in a crowd. Which very likely is one reason I can never get a haircut that's too over the top. Or even the thought of a guy sending me flowers is enough to make me sick.

So, aversion to vulnerability. I have an idea where this stems from, but feel that 24 years of never taking risks to move out of it has only made it that much more difficult. But regardless, I feel hopeful. I think for the first time, overcoming what's seemed just part of my person actually appears possible. I feel promise that the Lord desires me to be vulnerable and to create and to express and to recreate along with him. Even that he wants me to love and receive love along with him as well. It's not so terrifying when you realize it's not a matter of empty attempts on your own, but that you have the creator of the universe on your side. I feel like the ability to be vulnerable will bring my soul to life even more, which thankfully is our Lord's expertise.

It's a messy life. And somehow never gets completely tidy...but it's wonderful to know Jesus makes good of it all.

2009-09-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

I went to the States and...

was very patriotic

had an ice cream fest

danced with Meghan

hung out with Drew and Sola (and their cardboard cutouts)

ate big American breakfasts

watched people shoot guns and drink margaritas

went on an impromptu canoe ride

bowled

went to Michigan

had bonfires

went tubing

did lots of sudoku

had lots of fun with Brent

he did lots of sudoku too

saw Blake play with Old Hundred (this isn't the show, but it is moments after he was shirtless)

saw Germon's beard

slept over at Meredith's

went to bodega

ate a lot

went to California to see Mandy

That's nearly all.

2009-08-26T02:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes hidden from me
in daily custom and in trust,
so that I live by you unaware
as by the beating of my heart.

Suddenly you flare in my sight,
a wild rose blooming at the edge
of thicket, grace and light
where yesterday was only shade,

and once again I am blessed, choosing
again what I chose before.

-Wendell Berry

I'm about 90% sure this was written for his wife, but I feel it speaks volumes about Jesus, or at least my life with him. Some days I spend the whole time existing in my own little world, forgetting that I've given my life to something much bigger. Meaning I'm completely detached from what this means in all of my interactions with the things and people around me. My thinking becomes rational, my actions become selfish, any hope for something greater, or something more, is compromised. But how lucky that the Lord doesn't let me swim, or drown, myself in this world! It's never long before something happens or I have an experience I couldn't have manipulated myself and I'm reminded of the worldview I bank my life on.

2009-08-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

It's been two months since I've last written. How has it been two months? And it's August 19th, nearly the end of summer. I say it a lot, and surely sound redundant, but how has time gone so fast? It's also been one year since Brooke and I arrived to Amsterdam. We went out for a celebratory dinner, stroll through Vondelpark, and glass of white wine last night and tried to reflect on our lives and how we've changed this year. It's almost impossible to do so though. It's too close still, I think. Everything still feels fresh, a whole year later. Perhaps it's good to be settled in a city (relatively of course, since everything will change within weeks) and not feel like who I am is settled. I'd probably be bored, or boring for that matter.

I managed to write 20,000+ words between going to Iceland and spending two weeks in England this summer. I'm not sure how it happened, but miraculously I had produced pages upon pages of theoretical and empirical research. It was exhausting, really. But! In a desperate attempt to obtain respondents, Brooke and I visited a local mosque that is the talk of Europe (at least in circles that discuss things like integration and religion). The mosque is young and still discussing their positions on topics like mixing men and women, so we not only got to hear a teaching but also sit in on a conversation between the women about how they should relate to the men and the community. Fascinating, really. But more importantly, we were welcomed with typical Moroccan hospitality by the sweetest Moroccan-Dutch girls. "The sisters" as they are now referred to. Being able to be a bridge between the Muslim and the Christian communities was a dream, but it's really a gift to have such dear friendships come from it. Since our meeting at the mosque we've spent several days together talking about being women and being believers in God, and some of the sweetest conversations I've ever had about faith. Funny that an act of desperation can produce such a gift.

I want to talk about Jesus now but have a date with Leanne. I'll keep that for the next post...

2009-06-06T02:58:00.000-07:00

My brother gets married in 2 weeks. I can't believe it! It's hard to remember he's making a huge commitment, completely beginning a new life and not just having a big party in Iceland. I've been overly emotional about it. I'm incredibly excited, his wife-to-be is absolutely wonderful and sweet and kind, and I've always wanted a sister. I spent my childhood hoping for a sister. Literally my whole childhood was spent with my two brothers and family friends who mostly only had sons (besides a few exceptions). So, having another girl around will be a delight! So, I'm not sad. My emotions have been more related to how overwhelmingly thankful I am, I think.

I feel so thankful for Drew. Luckily, I don't think he knows about my blog, so I can talk about him without him being super embarrassed. He's honestly one of the most kind, friendly, brilliant, witty, talented people I know. He's someone that you want to be around. He makes you feel like you matter. It's fun to have grown up with him. To remember him at his worst and at his best. To have spent some of my most fun times with him, laughing literally for hours and being complete idiots, and to have spent the absolute hardest times with him, crying together for hours.

Drew's so talented and yet so humble about it. There's not much he's done that he hasn't been incredibly successful in...but you don't always know that...and I'm not sure he even recognizes it. And he's extremely genuine and caring, nearly always considering people's thoughts and feelings before his own.

I'm thankful too for the way his life has been protected. There were many times that something awful could have happened, but somehow a friend was there at the right time, or he had a girlfriend that wasn't afraid to give him a shot, or a police officer recognized him from being in a band, or he was just miraculously okay...and it's just such evidence how precious his life is to the Lord.

So, I'm thankful. That I get to do life with him. That I get to be his sister. That I get to be there as he enters into a new life with Sola. It's exciting!

A lost seafarer, alive, has returned home.

2009-06-06T02:49:00.000-07:00

Sæglópur, á lífi
Kominn heim
Sæglópur, á lífi
Kominn heim
þaõ kemur kafari
Komin heim
þaõ kemur kafari
Komin heim

A lost seafarer, alive
Has returned home
A lost seafarer, alive
Has returned home
A diver comes
Has returned home
A diver comes
Has returned home

And just for fun, Glosoli! Soon, I will be one of those kids laying in the moss and running around on the cliffs...and praying to be able to fly too.

2009-05-25T03:43:00.000-07:00

It's memorial day! I'm not celebrating...perhaps I should refuse to go to class today though as it's a national holiday and I'm American. Kind of like when Catholic kids got out of school in high school for Ash Wednesday...

Memorial day has always been a mile marker. It's the beginning of summer! I've been refusing to admit it's summer even though it's warm and sunny and everyone's finishing up classes. On memorial day the pools open up, and we put our dock in the lake, and in college we were retreating in Virginia right before finals week. It's scary to start saying it's summer. How in the world has it been 9 months? Why does time go faster and faster as you get older?

When I think back to past memorial days they were all so significant. They were always somehow a turning point. The Lord started doing something new in my life and likewise something new in my soul. It was usually painful, but powerful nonetheless. Growing through death, accidents, marriages, friends moving, new jobs, graduating. Though I can't seem to even acknowledge it's here, I'm still praying for something new in me!

Similarly, it's always strange to me when I find my heart's prayers in scripture. I'm reminded of the unity of life in the church, of our similar paths as people wanting to live life with and for our God. I go through phases, praying different pieces of scripture (as I assume most people do) but lately it's been Psalm 51. And the message version is just great.

Psalm 51

^1-3Generous in love—God, give grace! Huge in mercy—wipe out my bad record.
   Scrub away my guilt,
      soak out my sins in your laundry.
   I know how bad I've been;
      my sins are staring me down.

^4-6 You're the One I've violated, and you've seen
      it all, seen the full extent of my evil.
   You have all the facts before you;
      whatever you decide about me is fair.
   I've been out of step with you for a long time,
      in the wrong since before I was born.
   What you're after is truth from the inside out.
      Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.

^7-15 Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean,
      scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life.
   Tune me in to foot-tapping songs,
      set these once-broken bones to dancing.
   Don't look too close for blemishes,
      give me a clean bill of health.
   God, make a fresh start in me,
      shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
   Don't throw me out with the trash,
      or fail to breathe holiness in me.
   Bring me back from gray exile,
      put a fresh wind in my sails!
   Give me a job teaching rebels your ways
      so the lost can find their way home.
   Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God,
      and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways.
   Unbutton my lips, dear God;
      I'll let loose with your praise.

^16-17 Going through the motions doesn't please you,
      a flawless performance is nothing to you.
   I learned God-worship
      when my pride was shattered.
   Heart-shattered lives ready for love
      don't for a moment escape God's notice.

^18-19 Make Zion the place you delight in,
      repair Jerusalem's broken-down walls.
   Then you'll get real worship from us,
      acts of worship small and large,
   Including all the bulls
      they can heave onto your altar!

2009-05-16T01:33:00.000-07:00

I discovered a used English bookstore just down the canal from the library a few weeks ago. I started going in before or after my excursions to the library, not really looking for anything, but just enjoying the possibility of finding something really good, and in english, for under 10 euros. But right before my trip to Stockholm I went in with a mission to find something to read while away, since I promised myself I wouldn't even think about social research for 3 days. I had some things in mind, mostly recommendations from people that read way more than me. I couldn't find any of them. I did find Moby Dick, which I considered since I've never read it and it's one of the books the whole world assumes you have, but the 700 pages seemed a little more than I could handle in such a short time. So, after searching for nearly 20 minutes, I found and purchased the Road. A book several people told me not to read, some people told me they couldn't get through it, some people told me it would change my life, and some said it was the best book ever. When i was paying for it, the old guy, who i assume to be the owner, laid out his opinions on every Cormac McCarthy book ever written which lasted about 5 minutes...but he hadn't read the Road.

I've finished it now. I can't recommend it, but I can't really describe how I even feel about it. I don't think I loved it. Well, maybe I did but it almost seems wrong to say. In case you don't know the setting, it is post-apocalyptic America, and a man and his son are roaming the dead country hoping to survive. All life has been destroyed, besides a few humans trying to survive, the earth is desolate. The story depicts such desperation, and reveals a world absolutely void of hope. It's not dreamy or sweet. The story is actually horrifying at times, shocking that someone could actually put certain images into words, but it is deeply moving. I've been processing it a lot. What a depiction of a world starved of life and hope. A depiction of our nature, of the world absent of any redemption. The story stirred something up in me that was getting a little numb, that has the tendency to. It made me desire life and light in a fresh way. I was reminded that though the extreme of cannablism is not a typical darkness we face, the ways we use, manipulate, and hurt each other could be more similar than we think. The little boy is the essence of purity and goodness in the story. He's the only one that believes in helping others, regardless of his own fear. Some of it's naieve, but his hope is so precious that it's ackowledged by others and protected by his father...reminding him that "what you put in your head will be there forever". However painful or awful the story seems at times, it moves you to want and to fight for life and hope. You crave a world restored. Like it's said, "even so, come Lord Jesus."

At least, that's my opinion.

2009-04-28T00:35:00.000-07:00

I went to see St. Vincent last night on a whim with Steph. St. Vincent is Annie Clark who's previously played with Polyphonic Spree and Sufjan Stevens, and she's seriously a gem. She's so sweet and cute in person, but makes music that's much more awesome and layered than simply sweet. She played in a small room in Paradiso, and intimate shows like that are always fun. Steph and I just kept looking at each other saying, "this is so great"...

Since I still don't know how to add music to a post, here's some videos. The first one's from a take away show with la blogotheque and the second is her new video from her upcoming album.

We ran into some friends at the show and ended up going out to a bar nearby afterwards. Somehow it happened to be music pub trivia night and it was absolutely hilarious. I don't think I've heard so many awful songs in one night. I hardly knew any of them, and I think that makes me the true winner. Our team had a lot of fun attempting to guess though, and relied on our only Dutch teammate for all the Dutch songs. Sadly he moved to the States before he was two and wasn't much help. We walked away in last place, but felt we made a valiant effort!

2009-04-24T08:01:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking I need a Spring-ier picture of Amsterdam. And also thinking that I haven't written much lately.

A few things...

In the past month, my body's begun to fall apart. I was feeling overly tired and have unexplained bruises all over my body (which my doctor hesitated to believe were accidental, since they're suspiciously mostly on my thighs and arms), and there were other symptoms not worth blogging much about. Anyways, I decided it was time to take a trip to the doctor, as suggested by my mother. This was a process, and totally weird when you're used to American doctors. I felt like I was going into a business meeting when I went to my appointment. Not to mention that my sweet doctor's office shares a building with a real estate agency, and her door is completely unmarked with no receptionist. Luckily, an old man was wandering the building and could direct me to the right door. She sent me to get bloodwork done, which was yet another experience in and of itself. But while I was entering into the Dutch health system, I somehow also managed to completely wipe out in a park, cut up my knee, get my first bloody nose, and cut/bruise my heel in the photography museum (while also filling my flats with blood...gross). I'm contemplating the benefits of living in a bubble at this point. When my brother was having seizures, my parents jokingly bought an "apartment helmut" to make light of the situation, and "bubble" seems like an appropriate gift for me.

I've been so thankful (for about 8 months now...) for the way the Lord's built a life for me in Amsterdam. What a gift to be a part of a church family with people that I love and respect so much, to be studying with people from all over the world, to live in an apartment with a balcony off the kitchen and a roommate that's always a relief to come home to, to have friends that I've known for only a few months that I feel I can really share who I am with, to be able to ride my bike everywhere, to live in a city where wine is allowed to be drank in the park. It's strange to think back and recall when doing exactly what I'm doing right now was just a dream, with no idea how to make it real. There are times when I miss being enveloped in American culture (something I can't conceptualize right now), and miss predictability and how easy interactions are. I don't think I've ever been more insecure. There are times when I forget the power of the Kingdom of God, the way it transforms lives, since it's unacknowledged by so many as being the way to change the world. There are times when I feel like I'm lost and messy, and maybe even messier than before. But I'm discovering that whatever is being grown in me (or falling away) as I'm breaking like a little girl, is part of the gift. I think.

I have officially begun my thesis field work. I bought a super cool voice recorder, and had my first interview yesterday with a girl named Nadia. She was absolutely one of the sweetest girls, and we clicked instantly. She was open and gentle and honest and it was encouraging. It reminded me that I care. I started to forget, after writing three drafts of a thesis proposal and reading as much Bourdieu as I could get my hands on. But, Nadia reminded me. She inspired me so much that when I met with my advisor several hours later and he mentioned his vision for this perhaps turning into a large project for the future, I said "definitely". Definitely was a bit over the top, considering I've never even thought about continuing my research post graduation. Whoops.

This all seems a valid reflection of my life the past two weeks. Though I've also discovered Burgermeester (literally the closest restaurant to my house), bought a jump rope hoping to convince people double dutch is back in, went bowling, had 2 fab meetings for Zoet and Zout, saw the Avedon exhibit at FOAM, and started using iCal.

Goede Vrijdag

2009-04-10T05:56:00.000-07:00

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how...
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

[instrumental break]

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

So come on, come on

2009-04-06T03:36:00.000-07:00

"The amazing way that anxieties pass away, when enfolded and quickened by the Presence! The old life of one dimension, lived merely in the ribbon of time, was always a strained life. Had we calculated the past correctly? What unforeseen happening in the future can arise and overthrow our efforts? Strain! Strain! Out of such attitudes are built those lives which get written up in the success-stories of the American Magazine. And religious people think they must work hard and please God and make a good record and bring in the kingdom! Has the Nietzschean ideal of the superman, with heroic, world-striding power, hypnotized the church into an over-activistic attitude?

And then comes the sense of the Presence. The Eternal Now breaks through the time-nows and all is secure. A sense of absolute security and assurance of being linked with an overcoming Power replaces the old anxieties about the Kingdom. It is a security regarding the individual and regarding the group and regarding the race of men. Then we say, "How could we have been so blind?" For surely all things of value are most certainly made secure through Him! Faith, serene, unbroken, unhurried world-conquest by the power of Love is a part of peace.

For the experience of Presence is the experience of peace, and the experience of peace is the experience not of inaction but of power, and the experience of power is the experience of a pursuing Love that loves its way untiringly to victory. He who knows the Presence knows peace, and he who knows peace knows power and walks in complete faith that that objective Power and Love which has overtaken him will overcome the world.

And an immediate corollary to this is the weakening of the merely calculated, rationally planned decisions. When we lived in the one-dimensional time-ribbon we had to think life our all by ourselves. The past had to be read cautiously, the future had to be planned with care. Nothing was to be undertaken unless the calculations showed that success was to be expected. No blind living, no marching boldly into the dark, no noble by ungrounded venture of faith. We must be rational, sensible, intelligent, shrewd. But then comes the reality of the Presence, and the now-Eternal is found to underlie and generate all time-temporals. And a life of amazing, victorious faith-living sets in. Not with rattle and clatter of hammers, not with strained eyebrows and tense muscles but in peace and power and confidence we work upon such apparently hopeless tasks as the elimination of war from society, and set out toward world-brotherhood and interracial fraternity in a world where all the calculated chances of success are very meagre."

-Thomas R. Kelly, A Testament of Devotion

This always means a lot to me. The reality of the new world we live in when we follow Jesus, with new values and meanings and purpose. I could say more, but really his words say it all.

2009-03-31T04:27:00.000-07:00

I get frustrated when I can't articulate my hope for the Church, or rather, Jesus' hope for the Church. I forget perhaps not everyone has the same excitement when considering the possibilities we have as communities of people following Jesus. Instead, putting this excitement into words sounds a bit cultish, naieve, hippy...

I also forget the expectation of most that you slowly lose belief in God as you become more educated. Believing in Jesus and also social science seems like a contradiction. But as much as I believe in academia, and humanity's ability to ease suffering for some, I also believe that my solutions for anything will always be temporary. And that I have a soul that needs made alive. To me, academia sounds like BS when trying to explain being in a really dark place for no reason, or the feeling you get experiencing loss of love, or your longings that can't be satisfied by anything in this world, or the reason we can't evolve past war and racism, or why we have hope, really.

I forget this isn't everyone's experience.

I forget that I'm weird. Until someone tells me directly. Or until a room of people looks at me with blank expressions. Or until someone asks me to scientifically explain prayer or worship services in order to make a valid point. Really?

But I also think everyone experiences hints of redeemed life. That everyone experiences pieces of the kingdom coming, whether or not they know how to describe it.

As a side note, I'm sitting across from a photo of someone that looks an awful lot like a 45 year old Ian Curtis. Oh, if only it were so.

2009-03-24T11:05:00.001-07:00

Brent's coming to visit in June! And Keith and Lee too! Makes me feel special. And so excited.

I'm already planning all the fun things we can do. What a treat to experience Amsterdam with them.

I recently talked to Hilary in Thailand via facebook chat. What a small world these days. We talked boys, and dreams for our lives. So very typical. I just love her, and how easy it is to connect no matter how long it's been since we've talked. She just let's people in, and it's a delight!

I also got to talk to Blake today, which made my day. He's one of the most profound and also most inappropriately funny people I know. I wish I could be more like him. Missing him and his music too...

I feel like such a lucky girl to have great friends on both sides of the Atlantic. I'm so loved. I'm surrounded by people that make me laugh so hard that I give myself a headache. And people that are so extremely talented, I'm just holding onto the idea that it's contagious. And people that are extremely selfless. And genuine. And adventurous. And compassionate. And strong.

I could make a really long list of all the people that make me feel like such a lucky girl, and all the reasons I want them to stick around. So, those are just the ones on my mind.

Tonight I specifically wish this one would stick around. And specifically in Amsterdam. It'll be a different city when she goes...

Last time I got caught in the rain.

2009-03-17T07:24:00.000-07:00

I've been very much in love with Manon sur le Bitume lately. It's one of the shorts that was up for an Oscar this year. Very Amelie-esque. Really beautiful but a bit tragic. Manon recalls/celebrates life for several minutes as she's close to death. During one part she remembers several "lasts", one of them being caught in the rain for the last time. Lovely. Throughout the film a really great cover of "You're gonna make me lonesome when you go" plays. I can't find a trailer or anything to give you a taste of the film, so here's a simple link to the wonderful Dylan version of the song from Blood on the Tracks. Classic.

You're gonna make me lonesome when you go

2009-03-16T15:10:00.000-07:00

I've returned from Barcelona! And feel both rested and ready for Spring. Incredibly ready for Spring. To be honest, I'm feeling so ready that I'm still not convinced I'll be able to write a thesis as it gets sunnier and sunnier, and believe it'll take an absolute gift of concentration and discipline. Oh, sweet Jesus...

But anyways, I have returned from Barcelona. It's such a lovely city! And not just because the juxtaposition of gothic city and Mediterranean is absolutely incredible, but the culture is so warm! I love that all day (and night) long you can find people enjoying coffee, sangria, tapas, music, parks, and the art of doing nothing together. There's an overwhelming sense of community.

Several times I experienced the reoccurring, though extremely cherished, moment of feeling so full of life and so at peace that I really feel like I might be beaming. These moments usually come during the spring or summer after a day spent in the sun. I'm worn out from playing, exploring, just being in warm, sunny weather. Usually I'm a little smelly. Usually it's at dusk. And always I'm surrounded by people. In those moments I feel so free. Only being 24, it seems strange to say that it reminds me of being a kid, since I often still consider myself one...but it reminds me so much of long summer days spent playing in the neighborhood or up in Michigan. Really, it's such a bummer I can't do justice to these moments any better than I currently am, or capture them in words or pictures. I guess it's kind of a treasure in that way. Something intimate. Using language I didn't have when I was younger, perhaps these moments are a taste of the Kingdom of God. Definitely they are.

2009-01-24T04:06:00.000-08:00

As usual, I’m supposed to be writing for an academic purpose and instead have decided blogging is more appealing. Blogging is more freeing than thesis proposal writing. Wonderful!

So anyways, it’s been a while. January has flown by and I really have no idea what I’ve done. I don’t have much to show for it…besides going to Germany/Switzerland/France and writing a final paper and hosting an Obamafeestje. That’s enough for a month, right? Actually, the roadtrip to the Mosaic conference was a treat! So fun to spend a whole weekend with good friends in a small hotel in southern Germany. And the conference was incredible. Despite our skepticism and cynicism, I think we all left feeling radically encouraged and inspired! It was a comfy fit to everything I’ve been learning over the past few months. How to break down barriers between people who follow Jesus and people who don’t. How to make Jesus real and natural and available to everyone, not an esoteric Jesus only alive for those of us that love reading books on theology and talking about the kingdom of god as poetically as possible. I love to be reminded that we are ALL created for Him, to be given life. I’m amazed at how gifted people are that don’t know Jesus. How creative and kind and brilliant! Doesn’t seem fair. But I’ve been reading through Genesis and Exodus and feel like shaking my head at times at the people the Lord chose to reveal himself to and do big things through. He seriously chose some of the most jacked up people. People that hadn’t even proven themselves as righteous or even smart! I always feel I have to prove myself, and what a taste of humility and grace to realize that it doesn’t matter. We should please the Lord- yes! And we love to because we love Him. And that’s it…it’s really all about Him. And His deep love for us as his creation, his children. So anyways…what a gift we’re given to participate in the redemption of the world through the Lord’s redemption of our lives.

On another note, I’m obviously pleased by last Tuesday’s events! The freshness of having a new leader, with new creativity and insight to the problems we face. There’s so much to do, and so much to learn and consider, that I feel overwhelmed even imagining what President Obama must be experiencing. Sure, I could pick apart his every move in the past few days…but I think we should all be a little gracious for the time being. Right…?

This historic event has gotten me thinking an awful lot about black emancipation in the States as well. I realize it may be a little controversial to mention the Civil Rights’ Movement as unsuccessful, and I don’t believe that at all. BUT…I do think there’s a lot more to be done. There’s been a lot of talk regarding the new opportunities this is creating for black children. Yes, I agree this is a big step, but electing a black President cannot be the only solution…just as allowing black and white integration in schools and buses was not the only solution. There’s a lot more to be done! There’s a real change that needs to happen. In fact, the NY Times had an opinion article I thought was particularly right on. He lists the statistics regarding black children in the US. Shocking statistics that we’ve all known for a while, yet fail to address. I really have no idea what the ideal solution is, and obviously no one else has either as it’s been a problem for ages. But I think a change of heart, and an awareness of the problem is a good place to start. I’m praying that the change in the white house will bring change to communities, and families, and children’s lives. Have a read: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/24/opinion/24blow.html?ref=opinion.

2009-01-02T13:10:00.000-08:00

It's 2009!! Incredible. I don't think I've accomplished one thing in the past few days though...and love it! I've spent several hours a day reading/praying/reflecting/crossword puzzling/La Blogotheque-ing/movie-ing/etc. A dream, huh? I'm forcing myself to begin working tomorrow though, as the countdown for one paper's deadline is offically 2 weeks come Monday...shoot.

With all the reflecting I've been doing, I'm overwhelmed with the way I'm loved. I feel so thankful for the way the Lord's intertwined my life with unexpected people this past year. And the majority of them being some of the most selfless, warm people I've ever met...on both sides of the Atlantic! I am being wonderfully supported and cared for by friends in Ohio (receiving packages, emails, big hugs in columbus) and have been amazingly welcomed by friends in the Netherlands (dinners, sharing holiday traditions, providing day-to-day sanity). I'm just beaming with thankfulness.

We celebrated the New Year well over here. Friends, lots of kids, even more food, mafia, the Dam on tv, and fireworks! It was such a treat. New Years' Eve fireworks cause quite the frenzy over here. Supposedly they're only legal for one day (and only a few hours at that). During New Years' Eve day I was convinced that this was one of the major downfalls of Dutch culture, as it sounded like we were being bombed from 9am on. I should also mention that on my way to the grocery store I was almost hit with a firework, seeing my life flash before my eyes...and later on almost hit with Brooke after someone threw a lit one out a window. Now, I'm a girl that loves fireworks. But I also happen to be terrified if they're being ignited nearby or coming from unexpected directions. HOWEVER, this tradition of fireworks on New Years' Eve was completely redeemed at midnight. We went to the Pickerill's roof to check out the firework display just a few minutes after 12, and it was absolutely amazing. The whole city lit up! And it lasted for almost an hour. Shivering in the cold with friends on a roof at the beginning of 2009 watching Amsterdam be lit by thousands of fireworks...something to cherish.

We had a sleepover at Eric and Julia's, and rounded out the celebration with crepes, coffee, a devotion, and confessing our answers to the question "what is the crisis?". It was special to begin the new year sitting at a table with good friends, confessing our pain and hoping together. Again, beaming with thankfulness.

2008-12-08T13:37:00.000-08:00

Several things on my mind tonight:

1. I bought new deodorant today, the first time since moving. I was hoping I could hold out until I got back to the states next week, but I didn't think I could go that long without antiperspirant. Unfortunately (for me), most Europeans use spray-on which is completely unattractive to me. I don't like most things aerosol, and how it floats around in the air after a spray. My deodorant floating in the air is definitely unappealing. So anyways, there was only one roll-on kind available, which I went for. However, it's the most perfumey smell I've ever worn and every once in a while when I get a wiff of my armpit I feel like I have to sneeze.

2. I really enjoy ordering hot chocolate at a cafe that serves the whipped cream on the side. What a treat! It's like 2 delicacies for the price of one. Sip of hot chocolate, spoonful of whipped cream, sip of hot chocolate, spoonful of whipped cream...

3. Advertisers in Amsterdam can stay. In the states, advertising for stores, clubs, deals, etc consists of a flier on your windshield. I always hated getting in my car, turning onto the road, and realizing that there was a piece of paper under my windshield wiper. However, since cycling rules in Amsterdam, advertisers put seat covers on bikes. This is not annoying at all! In fact, when it starts raining while you're inside studying and you begrudgingly step out to your bicycle and realize there's a seat cover on it, it's pretty much a gift from God.

4. Tomorrow I give an extremely brief introduction of my thesis topic to the other students and professors within my program. I have a decent idea of what I'll do, but am still feeling a bit unsure. Maybe it's just insecurities. It's times like this that I feel a bit like a fake. Do people know that I almost never went to class in my undergrad? That I only speak one language? That I like tv shows and books about high schoolers' love lives? Do they know that I have absolutely no professional experience besides being a professional volunteer? I keep reminding myself that my MA thesis doesn't have to change the world, I'm just entering into the discussion on a specific topic. And will I be disappointed if all I do is give a voice to someone who's being oppressed, or who's being treated unjustly? The bridge between my compassion and academia is an interesting one. I'm still not sure what it looks like.

"It got me wondering..."

2008-12-01T10:34:00.000-08:00

So, I just felt like adding that my friend Mary is hilarious and great. We enjoy grabbing lunch/coffee/drinks after class and usually end up talking for hours about topics from the church or our dreams to interesting Dutchisms and dating. She has this thing though, when it begins to feel like we're trying to take on the world with our policy ideas or theories about Dutch men, that she pretends to smoke a cigarette and type at her laptop, and mimics Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City fame. Typically this is to make fun of our ideas and how important we think they are. I'm not advocating the show, but when she does this it is just absolutely endearing and hilarious. And now, I have a hard time typing in my blog on my mac and not thinking about Mary pretending to write a column on why there are so many great single girls and avoiding laughing to myself.

Feeling new.

2008-12-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in my living room with Brooke, right after enjoying tasty thai take out from down the street (which has become a common meal here). It's quiet, besides the occasional bicycle bell, laugh, or tram coming from outside. Our crazy tulip lamp is glowing and candles are lit. Very "gezellig". And I'm sitting here, and realizing that it feels completely normal. This space, our little apartment which we've lived in for about 3 months now, is home. We've had friends over for breakfasts, hosted the Nash family for several weeks, had a big party to celebrate Julia's birthday, had lots of friends over for movies, drinks, dinner, etc, managed to acquire enough stuff to have clutter, and once I even caused the shower to flood the bathroom. Our house has definitely been "warmed".

And not only does our little home truly feel like home, but the vineyard amsterdam church family has come to really feel like family. We laugh together, complain together, tell stories together, pray and worship together, dream together. I feel so overwhelmed with thankfulness just thinking about them.

So, all of this said, I leave for Ohio in 2 and half weeks for Christmas. The exact day I leave I will have been living in Amsterdam for 4 months. 4 months! I really can't decide if that seems short or long. Time has flown by, but so much has happened! And I feel different. At my core, I still feel like the Allie that arrived nearly 4 months ago, but there are pieces of me that I think have been lost while being here and there are things that are new about me. Some things about my worldview have changed. Sometimes I notice I speak in an accent/broken english to be more understood and am afraid this is going to stick. Sometimes I feel almost overwhelmed thinking about walking into a store like Target, or even a church like vineyard columbus, and claustrophobic imagining being in a car everyday. And just as shocking, I've become comfortable with being uncomfortable. I no longer panic at Albert Heijn, not knowing what kind of food I'm buying and I know to say "nee" when the cashier asks if I'd like a bag. I don't feel like a tourist when I do something dumb on my bike, rather just a sleepy student on Monday morning. I don't travel the city with a map any longer or have to always check tram/ train times. I am the proud owner of an Amsterdam OBA (public library) card, Museum card, video rental card, and last but not least a strange calculator-like machine used for Dutch online banking. And I no longer mind being in the middle of a conversation and being the only one that doesn't speak Dutch. or French. or German. or Greek.

It's strange to suddenly realize that I'm different now. Almost four months have passed, and something about me is new. And I know that I'll never be the same. I've lost the ability to identify with one culture, which seems like a gift in fact. It's really a new identity being born and constantly changing as my life here develops. I'm excited to be in Ohio soon though, with people that are familiar and know me deeply (and have still chosen to love me deeply). I'm excited for it, but still wondering what it'll be like to transition back for only 10 days. To be my new self in my old home.

So, anyways. Still just sitting here with Brooke, in our living room, typing away. Gezellig.

The manger.

2008-11-29T12:22:00.000-08:00

I no longer have my collection of advent related books, devotionals, poems, prayers, etc. which is kind of sad right now. Well actually I still have them but they're hiding somewhere in my parents' basement. Luckily the following little piece I had saved on my computer. It really is incredible that God came to earth as a baby, and I think Bonhoeffer writes beautifully and simply about it's meaning for us.

'Those Who Go to the Manger Will Be Transformed'
Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"If God chooses Mary as his instrument, if God himself wants to come into this world in the manger at Bethlehem, that is no idyllic family affair, but the beginning of a complete turnaround, a reordering of everything on the earth. If we wish to take part in this Advent and Christmas event, then we cannot simply be bystanders or onlookers, as if we were at the theater, enjoying all the cheerful images. No, we ourselves are swept up into the action there, into this conversion of all things. We have to play our part too on this stage, for the spectator is already an actor. We cannot withdraw.
What part, then, do we play? Pious shepherds, on bended knee? Kings who come bearing gifts? What sort of play is this, where Mary becomes the mother of God? Where God enters the world in the lowliness of the manger?
The judgment of the world and its redemption - that is taking place here. And the Christ child in the manger is himself the one who prounounces the judgment and redemption of the world. He repels the great and the powerful. He puts down the might from their thrones, he humbles the arrogant, his arm overpowers all the proud and the strong, he raises what is lowly and makes it great and splendid in his compassion.
Therefore we cannot approach his manger as if it were the cradle of any other child. Those who wish to come to his manger find that something is happening within them."

2008-11-21T02:11:00.000-08:00

"Even as fire when used leaves a mark on a man's body, so words of Torah when used leave a mark on the body. Fire: they who work with it are readily distinguishable from other mortals. So, too - by their walk, by their speech, by their garments in the marketplace - disciples of the wise are just as readily distinguishable."

Just thinking about this today. I want my life to be marked by scripture. I want to be smelly with the truth, and my hands stained with the words of Jesus as someone working with fire would smell like smoke and have hands stained by soot. I want the living word of God to be more alive in me and to impact my very being in a greater way.

Also, I'm in a class right now that focuses on professionalism and governance and "dealing with turbulent urban settings". It's really interesting and we're getting to look at a ton of case studies, but we're also looking at failed initiatives. There've been a lot of people with good ideas and good intentions to truly change circumstances for some of the most marginalized people in the world, but for some reason they end up making a bigger mess. In fact, my teacher made sure to remind us last week that "just because we're lefty and compassionate doesn't mean we won't f*** something up." Shoot.

So, anyways, I'm again feeling overwhelmed with the need in the world and reminded of how small I am. I'm overwhelmed with the difficulty to truly change circumstances in education and housing projects due to the bureaucracy of policy. I'm overwhelmed with the amount of theory and research to consider, and to sit around with followers of Bourdieu and Weber and Durkheim, knowing that saying I follow Jesus has no credibility with most. I'm overwhelmed with feeling like I have no answers...for anything. Which leads me back to the quote at the top. I need the truth of scripture to mark my life in a greater way, and the hope and wisdom found in it to become my very being. That really seems like the only answer; to soak in the Truth.

Excitement! (volume 1)

2008-11-17T10:40:00.001-08:00

About a month ago I started listening to Christmas music. Not the cheesy classics, but the winter-themed (and Christ-themed!) songs with indie music credibility. I made sure to warn Brooke just in case she was someone that was annoyed by a premature jump into the holidays (which she's not!). I also was thrilled to see that the Christmas lights were beginning to be hung about three weeks ago all over the city of Amsterdam. I guess when there aren't single-family homes to privately decorate, the city takes over! Nearly every street has a little something. Now this past weekend I was able to partake in the arrival of Sinterklaas to Antwerp! He came to Amsterdam the next day, but I chose to sleep instead. I seriously felt like a 6 year old! I waited on the dock with several other 20something friends and was noticeably excited to see Sinterklaas' steamboat pull around the corner. Kind of embarrassing, but I didn't seem to care. I was made fun of on several occasions for the amount of videotaping I was doing, but I just loved the whole experience! And it also happened that Sinterklaas was late to Antwerp, which I secretly enjoyed! All the kids (and some others...) anxiously awaited his arrival and kept singing Sinterklaas songs and eating waffles to pass the time.

Typically for me, the holidays are a more thought provoking, sort of meditation on the previous year in light of Christ's arrival to earth. I really do hope for some of that this year, but what a thrill to be so excited for something so silly! It's fun to be innocent and expectant moreso than usual, and we actually were commissioned to be like children, right? I definitely feel like a kid right now. Here are some pictures from the Sinterklaas extravaganza, because I've realized pictures make my blog so much more attractive.

And by the way...my brother's getting MARRIED! I'm not sure if it's a secret, but I'm really really excited! It'll be in April or May I guess (which means a trip to Iceland very soon!) Here's a picture of Drew and Sola, just because.

oh, worldviews

2008-11-13T07:04:00.000-08:00

No matter my opinion of him, I feel bad for Alan Greenspan. Did he cause the ever continuing economic crisis that is now international? I really don't know, but probably wouldn't blame one man. However anyone that at 82 years old has to confess to the world that their entire worldview may be wrong, I ache a little for. Who would want to discover that their entire purpose, their job, their ideology might in fact be erroneous and is actually negatively affecting millions of people? MAN. Will all objectivists now see the light? Can I say that on my own blog without sounding like a weirdo or being completely offensive? I'm not sure. Now I'm rambling.

2008-11-13T05:14:00.000-08:00

So it's been an adventure with my bike this week!

First, somehow I've begun a trend of completely forgetting to lock it when I get somewhere. This is a bad habit for many reasons, but especially because it ends with me emptying out my purse trying to find my bike keys and looking for nearly ten minutes before I realize they're still in my lock. I'm not sure which I'm more thankful for...not having my bike stolen, or not having actually lost my bike keys.

Also, for about 3 weeks it had been tricky to turn. In fact, sometimes my front wheel wouldn't even turn so I'd have to just shift my weight hoping my bike moved with me. But this week the front of my bike started making an awful squeaking sound any time I got on. Mostly out of embarrassment I decided it was time to get fixed. Luckily, there was a sweet man at Waterlooplein who was able to fix it pretty cheapily. I guess I was missing some piece on the handlebars...which proved to be a necessity.

So yesterday with a new and improved bike, I was riding home from class listening to my Ipod, feeling really peaceful and enjoying the few minutes of sunshine. There was a guy in front of me on the road, and I had the choice to either pass him or slow down and just ride behind...so enjoying the peacefulness of the ride I decided I'd just slow down a bit. But at the same time, he stopped completely. Next thing I knew I was practically on top of him. I'm not really sure what's the best thing to do when you've just ran into a guy on his bike (who also happens to be good looking) and you have your ipod in and earmuffs on, so i just kept saying "sorry" which conveniently is also used by the Dutch and threw off my earmuffs and ipod to make sure he was okay. He awkwardly said he was, and not really knowing how to make conversation out of the situation, I just said "okay, good" or something similar and rode off. whoa! so embarrassing.

I came home from the incident and decided to eat some lunch and sleep a bit. In the afternoon I headed to the Pickerill's to do some baking with Julia, Rachel, and Amanda. Yet again, same as in the morning...listening to my Ipod, wearing my earmuffs, enjoying the peaceful ride...and this time laughing to myself about what had happened in the morning. All of a sudden a construction guy is standing in the bikepath saying something to me. After about a minute of me removing things from my ears yet again and communicating that I don't know dutch, he asks if I'd ride on the tram path, as they're doing some work in the bike path. I'm thinking, "why not?". Literally 30 seconds later I'm laying in the middle of one of the biggest intersections in Amsterdam having slid several feet after slipping on the tram track. The tram tracks are infamous in Amsterdam, as nearly everyone takes a fall at least once due to getting a tire stuck. I guess after 3 months it was my time. Luckily I'm still alive as Leidseplein is also a main intersection for cars, taxis, busses, trams, pedestrians, and other bikes and scooters.

Needless to say, my ego (and right leg) is a bit bruised.

Besides all the bike craziness, I've had quite a busy week (and missed Brooke the past several days)! I stayed up until 8am for the election, which proved to be worth it after hearing the incredible speech our President-elect delivered (I cried for hours after)! I finished my first end-term paper (finally). I traveled to Brussels over the weekend (and ate lots of chocolate followed with beer). I visited the Bureau of Research and Statistics for the city of Amsterdam. I did a make-up presentation for the class I skipped due to still being awake at 8am the previous week. I ate nachos with Luke. I had a sleepover at the Pickerill's and greeted Brooke at the airport this morning. And tomorrow I'm heading to Antwerp for a class outing! I wish I could write entire blog entries about each of these things, but I just don't think I have it in me.

Starbucks at Schiphol!

Hard to tell, but it's the European Paliament in Brussels.

Rue Royal.

Parc de Bruxelles avec Anais

Grande Place in Bruxelles.

2008-11-03T06:01:00.000-08:00

So, forgive me, I got caught up in the election last post and forgot I wanted to mention 2 other things...

1. Hilary Buchanan is a huge sweetheart! She's really great at making people feel loved, and I just adore her. But I checked my email this morning and found this...

It totally made my day.

2. Amsterdam's Museumnacht is incredible! For one night 41 of Amsterdam's museums are open late with special exhibitions and performances. Brooke and I went with some friends to Artis and went on a late night zoo tour and to the aquarium! It was so fun. A really nice fall night with lots of warme chocomel. Granted we only ended up at the zoo tour by accident, being confused first time Museumnachters with a small understanding of Dutch. We did see a lot of animals lit by flashlight though! But the aquarium was beautiful. So many exotic, colorful fish in lots of different spaces. Incredible!

Then we checked out the Portuguese Synagogue (which I didn't even know existed). It doesn't have any electricity so it was lit entirely by candlelight. It was beautiful! The synagogue was much simpler than cathedrals I've seen, and I really liked it. Beautiful wooden ceiling and big, silver colored windows. We got there right before midnight as a small men's choir was preparing to sing. The voices, the candlelight, the people, the architecture...it was amazing.

Unfortunately, we didn't make it to the Rijks in time to see the much talked about Damien Hirst diamond skull, but that can be for another time.

So close!

2008-11-03T04:59:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow's election day! It's about now that I wish I still had my "I wish I could vote everyday but I'll settle for Nov. 2nd" shirt, except I'd have to write in Nov. 4th of course. I'm excited! It's been a gift to be somewhat separated from all the ugliness and any division the race has caused, and also to realize how important this is to the entire world. I've been invited to about 5 different election watching parties, hosted mostly by non-Americans. The whole world is watching! In fact, my friend Pamela from Quebec said she couldn't sleep last night and was in tears about the possibilities before Americans with this one election. I've also been given permission to miss class on Wednesday morning as my professor believes this is an historic event.

So, I have no intention of making this a political blog, but as important as this is to internationals, I hope Americans see it as even more important. And if you're the praying kind, I hope you've been asking for direction in your convictions.

Perhaps it's from studying social policy for the past few months, or watching the shock and awe in people's expressions when I describe the condition of poor neighborhoods in the US (and it's not just the scandinavians!) but I hope for and really do trust there will be reform of our welfare system over the next 4 years. I admit I might have socialist tendencies, though not the radical kind that we probably should be fearful. But the kind that is willing to pay a little more so inner city kids can have the same education as those in the mostly white burbs, and so the poor aren't continually losing in the process of urban renewal, and so people that can't get jobs with benefits are able to still afford to go to the doctor, or bring a baby into the world for that matter.

I understand as people that follow Jesus there is no candidate that represents the Kingdom of God fully because we do in fact only have ONE savior. I also know that everyone has different convictions about how to best love our communities and our world...but sharing resources and breaking down the rich v. poor that's sadly made the U.S. infamous around the world is definitely one of mine. Of course, I don't think one policy change or newly elected official will make a complete difference, but I think it's wise to at least vote in that direction.

So whatever your convictions, I pray today that they're in you because of what the Lord is doing, not because of what ads are saying, or your parents think, or what you THINK you should care about. Make it between you and the Lord, and be excited to express yourself tomorrow!

Happy E-Day!

Wanting life in every word.

2008-10-26T07:08:00.000-07:00

I started to realize this week that I wasn't loving as deeply as I usually do, that my passion for the kingdom come was a little blase, that I was going through the motions. And as having a cold heart is one of my greatest fears, I got scared. It's interesting that at the moment of this realization, immediately all the things that I should do to correct it went through my head. So after reading my favorite short stories, listening to the most inspiring albums, attempting to sleep it off, then surrounding myself with friends I realized even my most favorite things in life don't actually make me alive. Bummer.

So (and I'm ashamed to admit that this was my 5th choice) I sat before God disappointed that I couldn't resurrect my icy heart. I complained, I confessed my inability to solve the problem, I pleaded for renewal. And as I sat in the presence of God I knew there was hope. It's really unexplainable, as nearly anyone that's been in this place before would agree...but I had a revelation. That as I was longing for a soft, heart of flesh, I was actually longing for more of Jesus. "I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh." He's the only giver of life, the conqueror of death. How simple, right?

It's strange to always find myself back in this spot. Relearning simple lessons and on recovery from numbness, or doubt, or pride, or lust, or greed, or...and back in the presence of the Lord. I'm thankful. I'm thankful that I have a savior that desires to give me freedom, express His grace, make me fully alive. I'm thankful that the deeper I'm drawn into God's presence the more visible His Kingdom of hope is in my small world, and the more I feel my heart aligning with His in my ache for expression of redemption the world over.

Really, that's it. I'm just a very thankful girl, rambling on in her blog.

2008-10-20T15:03:00.000-07:00

I love these! The colors are great. I bet I could make a decent replica...

I promise, dear readers, that I will write something expressive and insightful sooner or later. However, looking online at hairbands at midnight is actually quite normal for me. Sometimes my life isn't as thrilling as I'd wish it would sound in my blog.

But Brooke and I did spend the day with Tiffany yesterday, exploring her hometown and learning about clogs, windmills, and cheese! She's absolutely one of the most thoughtful people I've ever met. She's always anticipating what people might need (or want, or think, or feel). I want to be more like her! She's one of those people that makes you want to love people better by the way you feel loved by her. And as I kept thanking she and her parents for the invitation for the afternoon and expressing how wonderful it was to be in someone's home, I realized the power in an invitation and the experience of hospitality. It's hard to feel more loved than when someone goes out of their way to include you in a meal, just to be with you and to share in life with you. Which is something I've been learning a lot lately...and I think will have to be the topic of my next post. Tonight I need to sleep.

Autumn!

2008-10-18T06:41:00.000-07:00

Here are a few scenes from past Octobers (and a few Novembers)...and a few recent ones!

It's fun to curl up and look at old photos.

2008-10-18T03:03:00.000-07:00

Somehow everyone in the city of Amsterdam is sick. Well, that may be an overstatement...but a LOT of people. And now I am too. I knew it would come, as my whole life I've managed to get everything going around and I have never been able to consistently take a multi-vitamin. Nothing involving moving or interacting sounds fun, so I've spent the past two hours reading opinion columns from New York Times and browsing through craft blogs (how great is this site?! www.papernstitch.com). Now I feel a balloon of inspiration inside of me, but not the energy to actually produce anything from it. Boo.

I'm hoping I feel better by 6 tonight, because it's the Amsterdam International Film Festival and there's a documentary on jump rope competitions that I'd like to see. Gael Garcia Bernal has also directed a film that will be showing at 10 tonight that I was thrilled to see only hours ago, but now feel that 10 is way past my (I'm sick and need to rest) bedtime.

In other news, we had an amazing dessert party Wednesday. Sara and I made tiramisu and Julia and Rachel mastered vegan brownies amongst other things. This Friday we'll practice our party planning once again as Brooke and I host a party in honor of Julia's birthday! We're inviting nearly everyone we know that lives in Amsterdam (and the surrounding areas). It should be fun!

2008-10-10T04:21:00.000-07:00

First, I’m writing as procrastination. Just to be honest.

Also, I’m feeling a bit homesick this week. It’s always a fleeting feeling as I absolutely love being in Amsterdam and feel there’s nowhere else I’m supposed to be right now, but it’s painful when it strikes. It’s kind of an achy feeling for the familiar and for people that love me so well.

But with that said, I feel so grateful for the friends I have here too. People that I hardly know that are beginning to feel like family. I was able to have heartfelt conversations with Hilary, Sara, Sirpa, and Rachel this week about our families, about our pasts, about being away from home, about faith, about our dreams. It’s exciting when friendships go the step beyond meeting for coffee or beer and talking about common interests…or schoolwork.

It’s a gift to worship with the Utrecht Vineyard folks here too. They have been incredibly warm to us and so generous. I’m excited to see what the Lord does, and what comes out of, our two groups becoming one.

So, as a bike has become my main mode of transportation I no longer go on “rides”. But there’s still something great about riding at night. As it’s getting darker earlier and earlier, I’m now finding myself riding around at night just going to and from places…to my excitement! There’s nothing quite like quiet streets, moonlight, and bikes. It’s likely that rain would change my opinion, but I’m trying to stay positive.

People have been asking if Amsterdam has fall, and what it's like. Well, Amsterdam definitely has fall...it just isn't quite as distinct as in Ohio. Nevertheless, the leaves still change color, the air still is crisp, the sky is still bright bright blue. The season looks good on Amsterdam. I'll try to take some pictures to share!

On that note, another random piece of information: I deeply believe that music is made for seasons. And fall has some of the greatest music! Anything with a banjo or finger-picking usually satisfies. I’ve also been listening to a lot of my dear friend Blake’s music (who is working on a new album!) and whom I am now shamelessly plugging. www.myspace.com/blakeskidmore. He’s talented. Give a listen! So, he might actually think his music is more winter, in which I’m sorry Blake for overstepping.

Thanks friends for reading what I write. For doing life with me from abroad!

2008-10-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

My creativity hasn't been at its prime lately, and hence no inspiration for a blog post. I think this is due to excessive reading of scholarly literature. My head is not only full of information, but a mess of what we'd call "elastic" words. Terms that people stretch to fit whatever point they're trying to make. Words many of us don't really understand but still choose to use in daily conversation. Globalization, individualization v. individualism, social capital, social cohesion and integration, and on and on. It's interesting to read back to back articles regarding the same topic, yet written entirely different. I mean, there's no actual definition for the term social capital (you can even check wikipedia). And after reading other peoples' opinions on the people that tried to define it's opinions in nearly 7 different pieces of literature...it feels like a mean joke. I think this is what I signed up for though. And oddly enough, in a few hours after I recover from theoretical overload, I realize that I absolutely love the messiness of trying to figure out our world.

And on that note...

My wonderful friend Sara had some people from our program over for dinner last week. She prepared some yummy food and we all enjoyed drinks besides the typical mid-class coffee. Here are some photos:

Henning and Pamela

Me and Sara

Hanging out

Me and Reuben, being slightly awkward

Not my words.

2008-09-28T11:59:00.000-07:00

So, pieces of this have been in my head for several weeks and I decided I'd publish it in case there are still people out there that haven't discovered the brilliance of Wendell Berry. Oh, I think this piece is beautiful! and the closing remark, "practice resurrection", once gave me simple words to describe my role in the Kingdom.

Eat it up!

THE MAD FARMER LIBERATION FRONT

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion -- put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

And will I be invited to the sound?

2008-09-26T01:11:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with a friend today on the Kingdom of God, and what it means when heaven breaks in on earth. This was just a piece of our discussion, but it got me thinking. I didn't have words at first to describe it in it's fullness, that it isn't just things being better than they are now, but actually completely made new. Yet, when someone that's hungry is fed, or is sick and is healed...that's part of the kingdom coming too. Perhaps it's my habit of talking rapidly when I'm passionate about something...but I felt like I was talking and talking, but not getting to the point. And as two people that are tired of religion, I was disappointed that the explanations that came to mind still were slightly bathed in religious jargin. Some of my favorite ways to imagine the kingdom come, as poetic as they might be, are extremely esoteric. And how available the Kingdom of God is!

Even in my explanation of this conversation, I'm not sure of my point (perhaps to hear your insight!). But it was powerful today, as messy as it was.

An exhaustive update on the past several days...

2008-09-19T07:36:00.000-07:00

The weeks here are flying. I feel like I get caught up on life, take a breath, and it's already the weekend again! My days are filled with class, reading at the library between class, reading at my house after class, and winding down with friends (including my delightful roommate) at night. I'm still adjusting to having the majority of my schoolwork be outside of the classroom, and am constantly fighting to stay motivated. There's just so much to take in in a new place!

Truly though, my classes are wonderful! I feel so privileged to be studying alongside people with all different worldviews and backgrounds. And I'm really learning about the history of the Netherlands and the issues facing the Dutch people today, as most of my professors have done a majority of their research here. I feel like I'm beginning to understand the new world around me!

Some days are a bit overwhelming though. It's funny that being a sociologist, you aren't meant to solve problems really, just ask questions in order that other people can potentially solve the problems. But I ache for an answer at times! I know problems like migration of women from the third world to the first world, and the integration of Muslims in Amsterdam, and the individualization (not individualism...) in western societies don't have easy answers, but the more my hope is buried by questions, the more frustrated I sometimes become. But I think that's an okay response...?

So, when not analyzing the world, I've really been enjoying my time with new friends! My fellow "SPSW" students are becoming a little community, and I'm loving it! We got together last weekend, and have a dinner party coming up this week. It's great to spend time together outside of class, and not in the queue for coffee.

Sunday I took a day trip with Hillary and Anais to Utrecht to see a new part of Holland. I kept hearing it was "just like Amsterdam but smaller", but it really had it's own distinct flavor. A quaint town with tons of shops (closed on Sunday of course) and a great museum! And the road along the main canal was gorgeous. There also happened to be a festival going on, so we got to partake in an opera performance on the canal! We kept saying how perfect of a day it was...really relaxing, beautiful weather, surprise opera performance...on and on and on.

Really, Amsterdam is beginning to feel normal to me...and I'm beginning to be normal in Amsterdam. I'm continuing to pray that I'm seeing what God's seeing, and how he's moving. And now that it's officially been a month since I've been here (!!) I'm asking the Lord what he'd have me do next...as I slowly begin coming out of the settling in stage. I'm praying for a greater gift of courage and boldness, to ask hard questions and to be more intentional. I'm also praying for humility, to really listen to other people regardless if I agree with what they're saying. And that I learn to not be defensive, but still truth telling. It's quite the challenge!

As always, thanks for your love!

Oh, and one more bit of normalcy! Brooke and I are off to see Bon Iver tonight! Even though I saw him just 2 months ago in Columbus, I couldn't pass it up. I'll report back...

Reflecting on September 11th, 2001 on September 12th, 2008

2008-09-12T02:49:00.000-07:00

September 11th kind of came and went this year, which I presume is due to being abroad. But as I'm sitting this morning catching up on the news, the effect of september 11th is almost too much to bear.

I'm reflecting on how painful it was for the American people. How real the event was, and how human both the hijackers and the victims were. How convinced a person must be to take the lives of thousands.

But I'm also reflecting on our response to this as a nation. On the fear it's created, the mindset of us versus them. The videos of young soldiers in Iraq explaining that they don't know the difference between our presence in Iraq and in Afghanistan. The hype that a vice presidential candidate may or may not think we're fighting a holy war.

It's hard to separate the day itself from the response that we've had the last 7 years. And for me, I can't mourn one without the other.

I liked what Jim Wallis wrote a few days after 9/11 and shared again yesterday...

But we can deny them their victory by refusing to submit to a world created in their image. Terrorism inflicts not only death and destruction but also emotional oppression to further its aims. We must not allow this terror to drive us away from being the people God has called us to be. We assert the vision of community, tolerance, compassion, justice, and the sacredness of human life, which lies at the heart of all our religious traditions.

"Refusing to submit to a world created in their image"...the real way to victory. To represent "the vision of community, tolerance, compassion, justice, and the sacredness of human life" not of violence and destruction. I'm praying today that as we're reminded of September 11th (on September 12th) that we're reminded of the lives we're to live in the Kingdom of God and choose to follow the way of Jesus rather than the way of this world.

That which is engineered.

2008-09-11T00:27:00.000-07:00

For the other My Utmost for His Highest devotees, you'll already know about yesterday's little quip about worshipping in everyday occasions. He said something to the effect that to be ready for big things, or for crisis, or in order not to miss out on the fullness of what God would have for us, we should be doing that which is closest to us, which God has "engineered" into our lives.

I've been praying for a while now (perhaps since I started following Jesus) that I'd see the world in light of the Kingdom. And typically I'd say that I am nearsighted, not seeing beyond what's in front of me...but in this text it seems that Chambers is commissioning us TO see what's right in front of us, but with different eyes.

It's been a busy past couple of days as Brooke and I moved into our new little place (an exciting part of the moving to Amsterdam process!), we spent Saturday at Ikea (a store that is incredibly capable of furnishing an entire house...right down to a french press), enjoyed tapas with my new friends hilary and anais, wrote my first master's essay on what I view as the 3 biggest urban social problems today, have begun categorizing european welfare states according to their social policy regime and reading all authors that have ever had an opinion on this topic (luckily the amsterdam public library is delightful!), finally found school supplies on the top floor of a department store (with folders starting at 5 euro) after a week long search, had our first small group with some friends from the Utrecht Vineyard (which was a definite treat), and am now off to finally purchase some sort of carrier for my bike, explore the museums of amsterdam, and hopefully find a place to get my haircut before meeting up with friends for a live radio show tonight.

With lots of new things going on, it's so easy to go from errand, to studying, to sleeping, to eating, to biking, to new friends...without ever pausing to see things in full. I'm praying I can continue to do what I'm doing (as I believe it HAS been engineered by God), but that I will see the kingdom in it. I want to see the mundane as purposeful, as life is purposeful and all of these little things culminate into life.

and now i'm off to find phone minutes, as my cheap prepaid phone has just run out and there are several calls to make!

thinking of you all today.

At rest

2008-08-31T11:02:00.000-07:00

I've been in shock that it's been almost two weeks since I arrived in Amsterdam, and so much has happened already. The fact that I'm still sleeping on Eric and Julia's couch and not formally registered at UVA makes saying this surprise me even. I feel so thankful that I'm beginning to travel places around the city and not have to look at a map! And that I can make lunch plans with news friends, eventhough I have a cheap prepaid phone that I don't even know the number to! And that I'm learning patience with Dutch, and can decipher a menu with Brooke and not just order the same sandwich! And that I spent only 2 full days with the people in my orientation group, but somehow I feel like I've known some of them forever! It's funny that I'm completely unsettled and haven't even begun paperwork to legally live and study here, and the Lord has already begun moving. It's funny because I always assume there are things to accomplish before the Kingdom can begin moving. But there's still so much to do and I've already seen the Lord begin making things new! How exciting!

Oh! And after a long week of orientation events and lots of getting to know you conversations, Menno (from Utrecht Vineyard) took the Pickerills, Brooke, and I sailing yesterday! It was such an adventure. And we all got to help out a bit. How much more peaceful can it get than being on a boat in the middle of the lake?

Here are some photos...

Orientation kids

With the Pickerill family in Amstel Park

Entry to Amstel Park

On the boat with Gigi

Relaxing

The New-to-me Amsterdam

2008-08-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

Hoi dear friends! (dutch slang for hello)

My first post on my new blog. I considered reviving my livejournal (which I haven't posted on in 2 years) but chose to start fresh. I was even able to add a fun background picture to this one and feel rather accomplished already... without even having a post up yet. I'm hoping this will keep people in the know with what's going on in my life abroad and in the city of Amsterdam. Expect updates soon.