Several things on my mind tonight:

1. I bought new deodorant today, the first time since moving. I was hoping I could hold out until I got back to the states next week, but I didn't think I could go that long without antiperspirant. Unfortunately (for me), most Europeans use spray-on which is completely unattractive to me. I don't like most things aerosol, and how it floats around in the air after a spray. My deodorant floating in the air is definitely unappealing. So anyways, there was only one roll-on kind available, which I went for. However, it's the most perfumey smell I've ever worn and every once in a while when I get a wiff of my armpit I feel like I have to sneeze. 

2. I really enjoy ordering hot chocolate at a cafe that serves the whipped cream on the side. What a treat! It's like 2 delicacies for the price of one. Sip of hot chocolate, spoonful of whipped cream, sip of hot chocolate, spoonful of whipped cream...

3. Advertisers in Amsterdam can stay. In the states, advertising for stores, clubs, deals, etc consists of a flier on your windshield. I always hated getting in my car, turning onto the road, and realizing that there was a piece of paper under my windshield wiper. However, since cycling rules in Amsterdam, advertisers put seat covers on bikes. This is not annoying at all! In fact, when it starts raining while you're inside studying and you begrudgingly step out to your bicycle and realize there's a seat cover on it, it's pretty much a gift from God. 

4. Tomorrow I give an extremely brief introduction of my thesis topic to the other students and professors within my program. I have a decent idea of what I'll do, but am still feeling a bit unsure. Maybe it's just insecurities. It's times like this that I feel a bit like a fake. Do people know that I almost never went to class in my undergrad? That I only speak one language? That I like tv shows and books about high schoolers' love lives? Do they know that I have absolutely no professional experience besides being a professional volunteer? I keep reminding myself that my MA thesis doesn't have to change the world, I'm just entering into the discussion on a specific topic. And will I be disappointed if all I do is give a voice to someone who's being oppressed, or who's being treated unjustly? The bridge between my compassion and academia is an interesting one. I'm still not sure what it looks like. 

"It got me wondering..."

So, I just felt like adding that my friend Mary is hilarious and great. We enjoy grabbing lunch/coffee/drinks after class and usually end up talking for hours about topics from the church or our dreams to interesting Dutchisms and dating. She has this thing though, when it begins to feel like we're trying to take on the world with our policy ideas or theories about Dutch men, that she pretends to smoke a cigarette and type at her laptop, and mimics Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City fame. Typically this is to make fun of our ideas and how important we think they are. I'm not advocating the show, but when she does this it is just absolutely endearing and hilarious. And now, I have a hard time typing in my blog on my mac and not thinking about Mary pretending to write a column on why there are so many great single girls and avoiding laughing to myself. 

Feeling new.

I'm sitting in my living room with Brooke, right after enjoying tasty thai take out from down the street (which has become a common meal here). It's quiet, besides the occasional bicycle bell, laugh, or tram coming from outside. Our crazy tulip lamp is glowing and candles are lit. Very "gezellig". And I'm sitting here, and realizing that it feels completely normal. This space, our little apartment which we've lived in for about 3 months now, is home. We've had friends over for breakfasts, hosted the Nash family for several weeks, had a big party to celebrate Julia's birthday,  had lots of friends over for movies, drinks, dinner, etc, managed to acquire enough stuff to have clutter, and once I even caused the shower to flood the bathroom. Our house has definitely been "warmed". 

And not only does our little home truly feel like home, but the vineyard amsterdam church family has come to really feel like family. We laugh together, complain together, tell stories together, pray and worship together, dream together. I feel so overwhelmed with thankfulness just thinking about them. 

So, all of this said, I leave for Ohio in 2 and half weeks for Christmas. The exact day I leave I will have been living in Amsterdam for 4 months. 4 months! I really can't decide if that seems short or long. Time has flown by, but so much has happened! And I feel different. At my core, I still feel like the Allie that arrived nearly 4 months ago, but there are pieces of me that I think have been lost while being here and there are things that are new about me. Some things about my worldview have changed. Sometimes I notice I speak in an accent/broken english to be more understood and am afraid this is going to stick. Sometimes I feel almost overwhelmed thinking about walking into a store like Target, or even a church like vineyard columbus, and claustrophobic imagining being in a car everyday. And just as shocking, I've become comfortable with being uncomfortable. I no longer panic at Albert Heijn, not knowing what kind of food I'm buying and I know to say "nee" when the cashier asks if I'd like a bag. I don't feel like a tourist when I do something dumb on my bike, rather just a sleepy student on Monday morning. I don't travel the city with a map any longer or have to always check tram/ train times. I am the proud owner of an Amsterdam OBA (public library) card, Museum card, video rental card, and last but not least a strange calculator-like machine used for Dutch online banking. And I no longer mind being in the middle of a conversation and being the only one that doesn't speak Dutch. or French. or German. or Greek. 

It's strange to suddenly realize that I'm different now. Almost four months have passed, and something about me is new. And I know that I'll never be the same. I've lost the ability to identify with one culture, which seems like a gift in fact. It's really a new identity being born and constantly changing as my life here develops. I'm excited to be in Ohio soon though, with people that are familiar and know me deeply (and have still chosen to love me deeply). I'm excited for it, but still wondering what it'll be like to transition back for only 10 days. To be my new self in my old home. 

So, anyways. Still just sitting here with Brooke, in our living room, typing away. Gezellig.